San Francisco might have its storied history and incomparable architecture, but it's always lacked one prerequisite for being a truly world-class city: a homegrown, all-natural supplement to help its male citizenry achieve pole. This Valentine's Day, SF gets Wood.Wood's the proud achievement of SF-based pseudo-pharmical behemoth Wellcorps -- it's officially touted as a "full spectrum, multi-layered nutrient matrix", but given Wood's bulging mascot (hiker? lumberjack? lumber-hiker?), the end-game's obvious. Libido enhancement's the work of 31 ingredients, from stuff found in your body (coenzyme Q10), to stuff found in India (ashwagandha root), to stuff found in every other engorging agent currently crowding your nightstand ("epimedium aerial parts", aka horny goatweed). The pills come in 10-day cartons and 30-day bottles; they recommend you pop a staggering four daily, two at breakfast, two at lunch -- if anyone at work asks, avoid shame by telling them you have a headache. Or gonorrhea. Promised nonsexual benefits include increased strength and stamina, immune support, reduction of belly fat and cortisone, and antioxidant protection -- which, together with the penis thing, will provide San Franciscans the incomparable body architecture to become the envy of the world.

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Get Wood. Seriously.