Ceramic Goddess Helps you drink like a god

Not to be confused with your treasured Franklin Mint doll of one of Charlie Sheen's hookers, Ceramic Goddess is a former ATLien who crafts all manner of monumentally badass, "check-me-out" drinking vessels out of porcelain before "crystalline-glazing" them in the kiln, wherein they actually grow decorative crystals, also a description of one of Charlie Sheen's other previous hookers.

Let those poor beleaguered tramps drink out of your new:

Lidded Steins: The Goddess's hubby is nice enough to craft the hinged metal tops for these suckers, which come adorned with everything from dinosaurs, to "warrior maidens", to the Statue of Liberty, making it the perfect vessel for your Crown.

Mugs & Tumblers: These 3-to-12oz-ers are jazzed with stuff like sweet steampunk gears, astrological signs, and Celtic dragons, and are dishwasher/microwave safe, which sounds like a way better place to hide your valuables than the standard "behind the painting" all the robbers seem to know about already.

Chalices: Elevate your awesome game with one of these 6in tall beauties; if you ask nicely enough/ask not-nicely but are in fact Sean Connery, she'll even make you a replica of The Last Crusade's Holy Grail, which you can give to those Sheen-hookers and say "you chose...poorly" as they literally crumble to ashes when they drink out of it the cameras get close.