thrillist

If you've got a badass knife but a crappy cutting board, YOU'VE GOT NOTHING. Rectify the imbalance with DP Customs, made by a machinist/ bicycle builder who's been working with wood since he learned about birds, bees, and how to lock the bathroom door. Let his pieces answer your many questions:

Does he have a cutting board that will help me fulfill my secret fantasy of chopping off my fingers like Tim Roth in that stupid movie Quentin Tarantino sort of directed?

Why yes: the Illusion, which is made outta bubinga, maple, and imbuia, all laid in strips and staggered slightly to create a transfixing/distracting warped effect.

What if I like my cutting boards a few inches closer to my face, because I have bad eyes, or short arms?

Go for the The Floating Top: made from ambrosia maple, framed with lacewood & Peruvian walnut, and accented with African padouk, it's set on maple feet to provide the elevation your huge glasses/terrifying nubs desire.

What if I want to recreate the experience of eating raw fish in a restaurant, because I get super-uncomfortable when I go to Rock & Roll Sushi and everybody yells at me?

Get the Grand Sushi Party Platter: twin 3in ceramic saucers embedded in zebrawood flanked by strips of chopstick-grooved, McCartney-approved "Hard Rock maple wings", as well as bloodwood -- though if that happens, whatever you learned at age 12 might be incorrect.

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He's also got artwork, like a vertical spiral made out of aircraft aluminum bars, and a wooden sculpture called "Ideas From The Shower". Naughty! Get it all here.