Sculpted Eers Custom 'phones, done quick

A first-of-its-kind, DIY, bespoke earbud system, Sculpted Eers lets you custom-fit either their 115dB PCS-100 or premium "dual-balanced" PCS-200 models in a matter of minutes using a disposable, headband-esque device that "safely" burrows into the center of your ear canal to get a unique mold, kind of like that creepy bug from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, but, you know, more musical and less nightmarish. Here's the process:

1. Unless you prefer your "weird" without the "Al", ignore those kinky impulses and use the included lube only to grease up the silicone earpieces, then flick activation switches on both sides of the headband, insert into your ears, and adjust band so it's snug.
2. Flip a tab to start the buds expanding, which should take about 45 seconds.
3. Flip a second tab to begin the hardening process, then set a timer for four minutes, possibly the longest it will ever take you to end a hardening process, especially with all that lube they just gave you.
4. Relax...don't do it, when you want to go to it?
5. Remove the headband to reveal each bud's distinct shape. Wiggle them off, remove the pronged "connectors", and snap-fit the backing face plates to each.
6. You're now ready to rock, meaning the only wrath you'll face will be from your friends when they find out you're using your custom earbuds to listen to Chaka Khan.