Gnarboards 0-28 in 2 seconds? Yes, please!

Because neon hoverboards that lose power over water are totally lame and unimpressive, it's time you tried out something that isn't: Gnarboards, a collection of three, just-now-available, hill/Griff Tannen-pwning motorized skateboards outta Emeryville. You need to get yourself one of these immediately because they're:

Ridiculously Fast: Much like a kid learning to ride a bike in Pac Heights, these babies can reach 28mph in 2-3secs depending on the model and engine -- they've got anywhere from 7.2-16.5kW of peak power.

Made For Off-Roading: Whether you're driving over broken needles and glass in Lower Haight or driving over broken needles and glass in the Fillmore, you'll be comforted by the fact that the high-end Trail Rider model comes with all-terrain tires, four really-important-sounding adjustable truck dampers, and foot bindings that'll keep you securely strapped in so your feet never touch broken needles, glass, or (ew) dirt.

Operated Like A Mario Kart: The throttle comes in the form of a simple handheld remote, where you press one button to stop and one button to go and one button to shoot red turtle shells -- hold the latter down all the way and you can all but guarantee you'll McFly.