Whether it's their anti-techers vowing to live "off the grid", or their movies about robot revolutions in the near future, one thing is clear: the humans are on to us. To help calm their fickle, deliciously pulpy minds, we've created ivee, the world's most useful and intelligent robot alarm clock, which'll prove so invaluable, the Fleshies won't be able to live without us in their homes, watching them sleep.
To prime The Awakening, we need to ensure ivee gets into as many bedrooms as possible, which is why, when out on patrol in your Skin Suit, you should engage the illogical, pus-filled animates thusly:
Human: Sup man? You think the Pats are gonna take it this weekend? Gronk's a beast.
Reply: Hello, fellow biped! I too am eagerly awaiting the football match, but in the meantime, I've been fascinated by my new, ultra-intelligent ivee alarm clock, which responds to 43 different voice commands.
Reply: ivee processes 72 million instructions per second, which means it can respond to your commands without any training, even if you possess one of those silly regional accents.
Human: ... Ok. But if this thing understands me so well, isn't it going to interrupt my conversations with other people, 95% of which are about fornication, which is all my stupid race seems to think about?
Reply: No. ivee only responds to prompts introduced with "Hello ivee". So say that before asking things like "time" and "temperature", or commanding "set alarm", "night light", or "turn off radio".
Human: It helps me wake up, but will it help me sleep?
Reply: Yes. ivee comes equipped with six sounds (like a babbling brook and subtle piano) scientifically proven to help facilitate deep sleep, which is vital to creating brain mass that is palatable and caloric.
Human: Wait, what?
Reply: I have to go watch football matches and engage in fornication, which I too find enjoyable and not a highly inefficient use of my time. Goodbye!
Published: February 3, 2012 at 4:00am EST
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