As a man matures, he upgrades his possessions accordingly: beanbag chairs become recliners, Jordan posters become Warhol prints, and GI Joe action figures become Simpsons action figures. With 4/20 on the horizon, it's time to upgrade your paraphernalia, at Illadelph.

Ill's the first retail outlet from the same-named Philly-based "tobacco" equipment manufacturers -- a company whose craftsmen are so serious about helping people waste their lives, each holds a Scientific Glassblowing degree from Salem University. Water-pipes are all abetted with extra-thick 7mm glass at their joints, perforated slides (for drawing more smoke), and plastic stoppers to prevent stem crackage; up the ante with an optional coiled tube packed in a cooling gel that reaches freezing temps without solidifying, making your smoke fresh as a cool, cool breeze that leaves you thinking Aqua Teen Hunger Force makes sense. All the dry pipes are hand-made/-detailed, the latest boasting a 14-holed bowl that ensures even smoking by effectively distributing flame and disseminating ash -- dynamics that'd impress your dad, if he wasn't consumed by his disappointment in your lifestyle.

Illadelph also sells a borosylicate glass match substitute; heat yours with a torch, then hold it against your grass for vaporized inhalation -- because smoke is for kids, adults prepare to see Harold and Kumar II using pure drug fumes.

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