Las Vegas

While Las Vegas bachelor parties can make you feel like a high roller -- bottle service, rolling craps next to Scott Bakula -- compared to the big, swinging locals, you're still a pear-shaped outsider. Get plugged in, with The Butler.

Previously an actual butler for uber-wealthy Manhattanites, The Butler's a private concierge who'll not only secure VIP basics (restaurant/club/stripclub access, other stuff), but'll also provide the two essentials for that special insider feeling: a swank private residence, and women who aren't hookers. Using NYC/LV connections, he'll snare you one of 50+ exclusive properties, e.g.: a 12,000 sq ft, 32nd floor MGM Signature penthouse w/ Jacuzzi and rooftop infinity pool; a golf-course estate w/ pool, two kitchens, and a cabinet full of Baccarat crystal; or a 3-level condo on the shores of Lake Las Vegas, which you'll be whisked to via helicopter (thereby earning Master Regurgitist status before chugging a single scotch). Because it's lonely at the rented top, TB'll pair you off with his bachelorette-party clientele, or even "bird-dog" the clubs for you, seducing women with lies about your posse's good looks, and truths about the size of your mansion.

The Butler'll even draw on his extensive culinary experience (he was once a sous-chef at NYC's Plaza) to prepare you a pre-festivities feast, thus giving you that final piece of belonging the bachelor will soon know too well: someone toiling in your kitchen who you've long since lost the desire to sleep with.