Las Vegas

At Red Rock: 11011 W Charleston Blvd; 702.797.7356

Tomorrow, PBA'ers will descend upon this off-the-Strip rollers' mecca for the Tournament of Champions. When their mustached athleticism becomes too much, hit this secluded VIP Suite: leather couches, bottle service, hi-def plasmas, strobe lights, disco balls, fog machines, and 12 lanes so luxe, they'd make Pete Weber feel like Paris Hilton.

At the Hard Rock: 4455 Paradise Rd; 702.693.4440

Hit this just-opened DeNiro-owned spot to glut on Tuscan fare like Burrata con Fagiolini and Tagliatelle al Ragu Antico in a ginormous, sceney dining room. You can also grub on bar-sized portions in the brown-and-beige cocktail lounge -- where plush couches are arranged like Tetris pieces with intimacy issues, tempting you to approach the party next to you because you "need the long skinny one".

At the Palazzo: 3327 Las Vegas Blvd; 702.893.6116

Favored by NBA and NFL big-footers, this Euro-cobbler's first retail shop offers two tiers of Spanish/Italian leather, alligator, ostrich, and python skin shoes. Even their less-expensive, off-the-rack Bacco Bucci line affects customization via special insoles -- which make perfect-fitting footwear as easy to get ahold of as floor seats for the Timberwolves.

At the Plaza: 1 South Main St; 702.385.7991

Tucked away on the 3rd floor of downtown's Plaza, LVJS stocks wall after wall of dried madness: peppered beef shaped like card suits, Chinese sausage, shrimp, salmon, Goji berries, chocolate, even Hokkigai clams. The store is patronized almost exclusively by Hawaiians, who consume more jerky per capita than anyone (aloha, crippling constipation).

Uncovered at the AVN Expo: Flash this Swiss/Scandinavian watch's discreet insignia -- one male and two female symbols -- and other swingers'll know with titillating certainty that you're totally down for banging their wives. Future Bluetooth versions will buzz whenever similarly uninhibited timepieces come within range -- until then, keep your head on a swivel, and your penicillin in your pocket.