Los Angeles

9411 Culver Blvd, Culver City; 310.839.6800

Feed your next Culver City date on the mammoth patio at this new French/Italian bastard son, where dishes like Passatelli in Brodo w/ Chicken and Chanterelles will make you shout, "Now that's Fritalian!" -- thereby preventing you from fathering a bastard with your date.

WTL formulates wines that pair perfectly with commonly eaten foods (steak, chicken, pasta w/ tomato sauce, etc), complete with pictures of said food on the bottle -- meaning preliterate toddlers can finally be successful sommeliers.

Available at H Lorenzo: 8646 Sunset, Hollywood

Topless has infused the classic polo with a surplus of badassness. Though the slightly smaller collars are specially designed to lay flat under a jacket, some of the racier prints are distinctly NSFW, unless you work at Spearmint Rhino -- in which case you're the king of professionalism just for wearing a shirt.

Apr 28 & 29 at Meltdown: 7522 Sunset Blvd, Hollywoodm>

This with-us-or-against-us, secure the oil, suicide-bomber'd board game's already totally sold out, making this tourney the sole option for stained-couch strategists like yourself -- even if your last Risk game's failed occupation of The Congo somehow contributed to the real country's collapse.

Weds at Shag Hollywood: 1835 N Cahuenga, Hollywood

Though sceney nightclubs usually don't get much artsier than Tara Reid regurgitating Van Gogh martinis, this new weekly party integrates exhibits and fashion shows with dance-floor-friendly mash-up/hip-hop that's likely to ignite the most improbable of celeb mash-ups: Ryan Seacrest with a girl.

Sprinkle a couple of drops of this preventative solution in the toilet to create an odor-neutralizing slick that'll make your next deuce smell no more offensive than fresh-baked biscuits. Incidentally, you are a terrible baker.