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Thrillist Los Angeles
In the heart of every man lies a singular question: if it came down to it, whose ass could he kick? Clearly Woody Allen, but who else? Make the answer "all the asses", with How To Beat Up Anything.
From a Comedy Central-featured standup/Taekwondo yellow belt, HTBUA provides in-depth breakdowns of how best to defeat an expansive cross-section of foes, from superheroes, to "Beloved Actor Tom Hanks", to "the common cold" -- a battle that unfortunately contains nary a bite of matzo ball soup. Some other victims:
An Alligator: "Tools Needed: standard automobile jack, can-do attitude, nerves of whatever is harder than steel, or, if necessary, steel".
Michael Phelps: He recommends fighting everyone's favorite bong-toter on dry land, because "he can control dolphins (according to legend, he high-fives them)".
Luke Skywalker from Return of the Jedi: He actually claims that matchup's too in favor of the Jedi. In order to win, "stick with the cry-baby farmboy Luke from Star Wars. That guy is pure wuss. Hanging out with androids and 'bullseye-ing womp rats in your T-16 back home' only prepares you for one thing. Taking a Death Star-sized beating you don't recover from".
A new enemy gets added every couple weeks, with a T. Rex/Mark Wahlberg tag-team as the most recent entry. Another highlight: a beat-down of Oscar-nominated singer/Freddie Roach-trained boxer Aimee Mann (seriously!), with a rebuttal penned by the songstress -- who claims she'd win in a punch-to-punch bout, and is obviously in denial that the best way to kick her ass is to just be Phil Collins.
Because Bill Cosby's clearly too busy giving inspirational seminars on how to wear holiday sweaters to throw this thing himself, the... more
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