How To Beat Up Anything
In the heart of every man lies a singular question: if it came down to it, whose ass could he kick? Clearly Woody Allen, but who else? Make the answer "all the asses", with How To Beat Up Anything.
From a Comedy Central-featured standup/Taekwondo yellow belt, HTBUA provides in-depth breakdowns of how best to defeat an expansive cross-section of foes, from superheroes, to "Beloved Actor Tom Hanks", to "the common cold" -- a battle that unfortunately contains nary a bite of matzo ball soup. Some other victims:
An Alligator: "Tools Needed: standard automobile jack, can-do attitude, nerves of whatever is harder than steel, or, if necessary, steel".
Michael Phelps: He recommends fighting everyone's favorite bong-toter on dry land, because "he can control dolphins (according to legend, he high-fives them)".
Luke Skywalker from Return of the Jedi: He actually claims that matchup's too in favor of the Jedi. In order to win, "stick with the cry-baby farmboy Luke from Star Wars. That guy is pure wuss. Hanging out with androids and 'bullseye-ing womp rats in your T-16 back home' only prepares you for one thing. Taking a Death Star-sized beating you don't recover from".
A new enemy gets added every couple weeks, with a T. Rex/Mark Wahlberg tag-team as the most recent entry. Another highlight: a beat-down of Oscar-nominated singer/Freddie Roach-trained boxer Aimee Mann (seriously!), with a rebuttal penned by the songstress -- who claims she'd win in a punch-to-punch bout, and is obviously in denial that the best way to kick her ass is to just be Phil Collins.
