Walk Of Shame Kit
In your prickish youth, Saturday morning meant waking up next to a complete stranger in a cold sweat, before shuffling her out the window without so much as an Egg McMuffin. Now that you're a sensitive adult...do the same! But also, give her a Walk of Shame Kit.
Developed by a former owner of SoBe's Automatic Slim's (origin of countless shameful walks), this Foster's oil can-sized kit is compact enough to stash bedside, and contains everything last night's lucky lady needs for a semi-dignified walk home, so thoughtful, it'll compensate for the fact that you were a selfish and brief lover. So she can at least project outward pride to conceal her hungover, rotting heart, the kit packs a 100% cotton OSFM (one-size-fits-most) coverall dress that implies she might have just left the spa, massive full-coverage sunglasses to hide bloodshot eyes/streaked makeup, and flip flops, so each click of her stilettos on the sidewalk doesn't scream harlotry disgrace. All her clothes you flung around the room can be cinched up in the provided drawstring backpack, which also includes hypo-allergenic wipes for her face and “down there”, and a pre-pasted toothbrush -- if you were well-adjusted enough to be comfortable sharing a toothbrush, you wouldn't be kicking her out in the first place.
To enhance your chivalric cred, a portion of each Kit's proceeds are donated to a breast cancer foundation, and as a postscript to your one-night-story, the kit also contains a Call/Don't Call card, which, depending upon the side left upturned on your nightstand, will make very apparent whether or not your next date means a McRib.
