Upstart Smart, rich people want to help you live the dream

Launched by a posse of ex-Googlers, Upstart's a new platform where you blackmail compel accredited investors to give you money in order to pursue a career in "what you're meant to do" in exchange for a small portion of subsequent income for 10yrs, so if you're smart you'll pursue time travel, and take those suckers to the laundry.

Start by creating an "offer" laying out the details surrounding what you'll do with your not-so-hard-earned cash (buy drugs?) and how much you'll need (a lot -- drug are expensive!), and they'll use proprietary analytics & income forecasting to determine the fraction of future earnings you'll agree to share, which they promise won't exceed 7%.

If the site approves your offer, you can shop it around to their stable of Upstart backers in an attempt to get them to contribute funds in $1k intervals, which'll be released to you once you reach your goal. As for payback, you can defer any years you earn sub-$30k, and you have the option to buy out early if you make bank, assuming you don't run into one with Doc while you're perfecting time travel.