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Food: Monks' Bread

Monks' Bread

When they're not praying, sleeping, or shining their bald domes, the Trappists of Western NY's Abbey of the Genesee devote themselves to bread. Order the sampler pack and get loaves of white, whole wheat, raisin, sunflower, and maple-cinnamon, all baked using medieval fermentation processes -- weapons of choice in their centuries-old, bloody crusade against The Order of Atkins Dieters.

$18 for five loaves from MonksBread.com

Drinks: Bootleg Wine

Bootleg Wine

The five different Italian specialty vintages in these bottles (two available for online ordering) will tell party-goers you've got a superlative palate; the zippered leather sleeve'll tell them, "I'll truss you up in my Basement of Pain, right after this modern dance performance".

Available for order from Wine.com

Gear: Goatse Classic Polo Shirt

Goatse Classic Polo Shirt

The unlikeliest entry yet into the polo-logo battle, NY-based designer Geof Artisse says of his three-button shirts: "The theme here is classy: sleek, high-quality shirts that feature my signature Goatse* logo. I want a comfortable shirt that can be worn at the office or on the golf course. And I want the shirt to display an ambiguous image of a stretched anus." Wow.

*If you don't know what "Goatse" is, you are the luckiest man alive.

$30 from GoatsePolo.com

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