Nation

You have a tough time remembering to eat your fruits and vegetables, but never forget to drink your liquor. Combine the two with this easy vodka infusion method and never suffer from rickets or scurvy again.

First, choose a neutral tasting vodka -- one that's been distilled more than three times and isn't made from potatoes or sold in unmarked plastic jugs . Pick your additive -- be sure it's organic, as pesticides will taint your vodka. Dump everything into an air-tight glass jar and let it sit at room temperature. Most fruits impart their flavors within a couple days, though more fibrous roots (horseradish, ginger, insert hysterical fibrous root joke here) can take a couple of weeks.

Do this:

Pravda's Fig Vodka:

• 5 unsulphured dried Figs (liquid from fresh fruit dilutes your mixture)
• 1 liter of vodka

Infusion time: 3 days

Big Pepper Infused Vodka:

• 1 liter vodka
• fresh poblano chile, sliced and seeded
• fresh Serrano chile, sliced and seeded
• fresh jalapeno, sliced and seeded
• fresh red bell pepper, sliced and seeded

Infusion time: 2 days

Triple Citrus Infusion:

• 1 liter of vodka
• 1 small ruby grapefruit
• 1 tangerine
• 1 lemon

* Poke 30-40 holes in fruit.

Infusion time: 3 days

Sprinkling sugar on the additives will accelerate the process, but patience pays off with richer flavors. Now that your fruits and vegetables are taken care of, the only thing between you and a responsible adult lifestyle is a cocktail that checks your prostate.