Nation

Since man first fled from a woolly mammoth, he has struggled to create an energy bar that provides Power!, Endurance!, and Nutrition! -- but doesn't taste like australopithicrap. Try your hand at the timeless quandary, with You Bar.

YB uses a step-by-step checkbox interface to help you engineer a fully bespoke energy snack that'll get you ultra-marathoning/out of bed. To start, pick your base (sesame butter, peanut butter, more) and up to three Arnold-ifying protein powders (whey, soy, egg white); then, choose from a smattering of nuts, seeds, and dried fruits/berries -- guaranteed to provide you the squirrel-like ability to climb trees, or even stand on your hind legs. Next, add grains, sweeteners (honey, molasses, brown sugar), and seasonings (coffee, cinnamon, Splenda for cancer…), before topping off with extra shots like "vitamin", "fiber", or "femme" -- for the power to endure an entire VHS of My So-Called Life.

In the event your concoction's a success, YB'll keep your bar(s) on file for future re-upping. They also offer pre-formulated "Popular Bars" -- though if you can't put together peanut butter and honey, you've got no business calling yourself a tool-user.