Featuring ten feet of garment protection, these adhesive super-soft white cotton strips from the flatulence-concealing Subtle Butt scientists can be cut to fit the inside of your collar and then pressed into place, keeping you from being embarrassed by stains -- you'll need the whole package to keep your Shakespearean ruff clean.

Arm yourself at GarmentGuard.com

Available in four color choices, these knit caps combine the comfort and warmth of traditional winter hats with the supreme style and general awesomeness of a massive beard/mustache, while their name finds the sweet spot between amusing descriptive moniker and sickening command.

Didn't think you'd ever be excited to visit BeardHead.com

Allowing you to fake having a real job, Snap turns your digital camera into a scanner, auto-using perspective and curvature correction to crop, stretch, and flatten images and create PDFs resembling properly scanned docs. Send over a "photocopy" of your rear, and it'll be months before your mom gets wind of your being laid off.

Snag the free download at Atiz.com

In order to liven up the depressing prospects of watching the Academy Awards, we scoured this year's nominees to bring you a bingo table of 24 randomly generated potential telecast happenings, like unwieldy acceptance throngs, wealthy white person Obama co-opting, and Benicio Del Toro's Oprah-esque weight flux flippin' you for real.

Get your free game board right here