New York

Love food, but hate people? Then haul a sack of change to gourmet automat BAMN!, and get served by a machine -- anytime, day or night.

Opening Tuesday, BAMN's a retro-futuristic takeout spot dominated by a metal vending unit with heated, windowed shelves. Instead of chips or luscious Moon Pies, your silver opens doors to dishes like Pizza Dumplings, Mac & Cheese Pockets, and Musubi -- "shaped seasoned cake topped w/ a slice of beef", or simply "beefcake".

The idea was born during a trip to Amsterdam, where pot-induced mistrust of waiters has made mechanically vended meals ragingly popular. Some tips on navigating BAMN's Americanized version with smooth efficiency:

• Each items costs only $1.50-$2.50. A disgusting fatty might eat ten, but men who don't depend on food as their sole pleasure should get full from 2-3.
• The machine takes $1 coins and quarters, which can be had from the on-premise change-maker. Don't insert dimes or nickels, or the machine'll print out a note reading, "What am I, a cheap whore?"
• Because BAMN's replaced the outdated spiral ring technology with compartments, no amount of shoulder-checking or bodyslamming will dislodge you an extra piece of $2 fried chicken.

But not everything's at BAMN's automated. The on-premise chefs will constantly restock chow, and the Belgian fries'll be doled out to customers by actual human beings. Luckily, fry-jockeys are mostly dehumanized drones, so you still won't be dealing with people.