New York

Sun Oct 23rd, 8-9:30pm; 43 Mercer St, between Broome and Grand, reservations required: 212.966.2120

There's nothing like a romance language to lure a decent woman into a deviant act. Sure, "harnesses" might be demeaning, but who can say no to cinturones sexuales, or, for that matter, juguetes de la sensacion? Babeland's bilingual educators will take you and your prudish lady-friend on a store tour, then explain the many, many ways el porno can expand your sensual horizons.

The advantage of buying a reproduction vintage tee is that it's not befouled by decades of beer, bong water and juguetes de la sensacion. Trunk's concert shirts are soft like Rod Stewart, and offered in extremely limited runs -- so you won't have to deal with the shame of bumping into some raging poseur wearing your Springsteen "US Tour '78" throwback.

438 2nd Ave, between 24th and 25th; 212.725.9800

For reasons the staff described as "complicated", the Smokehouse was recently stripped of its liquor license and is now BYOB. Which is sweet, because in order to wash down this dive's Pig Out Platter (four heaps of meat, plus 13 sides), you'll need all the beer your bodega will sell you.

Sat Oct 22nd, 8-10pm (registration starts at 6pm)

Although everyone can get in on the 2-for-$5 pint special, only the first 40 entrants will be eligible to participate in this Roshambo elimination challenge -- where the grand prize is a year's worth of free beer. With so much on the line, you'll need to bring your A-game. Thrillist's pick: Rock.

Scenic: 25 Ave B, between 2nd and 3rd

Anyone who names her band something so lewd that even we can't print it is okay by us. Check out her rock show, and you'll see a British chick who'll shove you, dump beer on you, hurl breast enhancing foam pads at you, and lustfully rub her groinal area onstage. It's so erotic, you'll declare it even better than el porno.