Unless you're a sex-club-frequenting freak, you're probably terrified of walking into a scene of fiends flabbily pistoning each other in a cinderblock room barren of anything but discarded vinyl clothing. Easing you into debauchery with chit-chat and tiny cheeses, Chemistry NYC.

A borough-roving, house-party style sexcapade run by the surprisingly pleasant SheilaMonster and her chillaxed paramour KennyBlunt, the invite-only Chemistry's goal is to provide an unpretentious and relaxed atmosphere where guests can "feel at home" doing things they never do at home. Lightly catered, DJ'd, and typically held in comfortable private residence "artist lofts" with roof access (for starf*cking), each party's open to single women & couples but verboten to single men; and all would-be bootknockers must answer a handful of questions plus submit a photo -- thus proving you're not as unattractive as you hope everyone else isn't. Here's how a typical evening might go down: members intro themselves and explain their orientation (W4M, MW4W, etc) and desire/inclination to get busy, then guzzle from a BYOB bar and dance and kick back until a natural, unrushed nakedness occurs -- after which chicks might start making out, and some dude maybe breaks out a Santa sack of "accessories".

Chemistry's next mass scrumpin's April 4. To get on the list, hit the site, answer the screening questions, and submit any of your own queries -- like, "Cheddar, or Monterey Jack?".

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Most parties are in Brooklyn, so none of your friends will see you. Sign up at Chemistry-NYC.com