On average, New Yorkers weigh shamefully less than the average American, which many attribute to the walking lifestyle. Balderdash -- it's because there's a dearth of barbecue worth growing obese for. Here to rectify that: Hill Country, opening later this week.
This gigantic, high-design roadhouse is modeled after Texas' 107-year-old Kreuz Market -- like at that institution, HC patrons'll order heaping piles of ribs, brisket, sausage, and slop-sopping white bread at a cafeteria-style counter. Because man cannot lard on meat alone, there'll be plenty of sides, e.g., Longhorn Cheddar Mac & Cheese, Chipotle Deviled Eggs, and Baked Beans w/ Burnt Ends (flavorful charred brisket nubs -- the perfect accompaniment to...a whole brisket). For authenticity's sake, most everything's imported, from the Texas post oak they use for smoking, to the Bluebell ice cream you'll use as a substitute for personal and professional achievement.
After gorging, you can then adjourn to the downstairs bar, where there'll be live music, longnecks, bourbons, tequilas, and disturbingly colloquial cocktails like the Bullet -- a bourbon/spiced rum/Big Red* concoction that'll wobble your walk, even as your nouveaux girth brings NYC up to the rest of the nation's beautiful, belt-exploding norm.