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Lapdances have taken place at sea before, but usually only under desperate circumstances, and after too much grog. For a naughty boat ride without the specter of scurvy, try the Mermaids Cruise.

The MC is a chartered*, two-hour jaunt on the Neptune: a 1958 bay cruiser decked out with varnished wood, brass railings and...six erotic dancers. This seagoing strip joint operates like any other topless bar, except Dramamine's the bathroom-stall substance of choice. But the raciness can be taken up a notch: for a little extra, the ladies'll perform a whip cream extravaganza, a "birthday boobie blowout", or "the hottest two girl show you have ever seen" (apologies, Kate & Allie). Naturally there's a full bar, staffed by a topless blond professional enough to alert the Sea Bouncers when you crack jokes about her flotation devices.

Departure's from Brisbane, but you can also arrange pickup at Jack London Square or Pier 40, next to the Ballpark. Just remember: even though you're about to enter the nautical champagne room hallucinated by many a salty sailor, common decency requires that you remove the giant foam finger before boarding.

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Charter "some of the most uninhibited women in the San Francisco Bay" at MermaidsCruise.com