Nation

Like "defensive driving" and "oral sex", "male grooming" is a term rife with conflict. Nevertheless, if you're unprepared to recede into a hermetic life of stink-based solitude, cleanse up with Billy Jealousy.

From the simple, white plastic bottles down to their polo-worthy dragon logos, Dallas-based BJ products are Chuck Norris-ish in their powerfully male effectiveness. The line's scientifically formulated to heal and protect all your zones, covering:

• Cashmere Coat Conditioner: a peppermint-infused concoction that yields a supple mane and feels like an Altoid for your dome
• Hydroplane Super Slick Shave Cream: loaded with water-soluble micro silicone beads that make your blade increasingly slippery the wetter it gets (a Bon Jovi album for your face)
• Ocean Front Body Wash: a crisp, blue detergent gel that smells neither like sea lions nor Jacques Cousteau
• Sucker Punch Face Scrub: Like rough tiny hands it'll exfoliate your grill with crushed walnut shells, begging the question: who the hell ate your walnuts?

Other offerings address your lips/tan/tooth/coiffure needs, and there's even a Six Pack Slimming Solution -- itself presenting an untenable dichotomy when it claims to facilitate a "thinner you".