Condoms have come a long way since the days when people used sausage casings and animal hides. Unfortunately, the hassle of rolling one onto your peen can still make prophylactic effectiveness shamefully irrelevant. Enter Hot Rod's Speedstrips, the jimmy hat that lets you get down to business before it's too late.

The Speedstrip's equipped with a patented rip-cord applicator that easily sweeps downwards in one fluid motion, long before your Toblerone can become a gummi worm. The company claims novice users can strap one on in three seconds flat, while saucy gigolos can gird up in a third of that. If you're afraid a "novelty condom" will leave you crippled with syphilis, slow your roll: Hot Rod puts each love-sac through a rigorous battery of tests, thereby ensuring:

• Strength: Hot Rod guards against rippage, graciously giving you the benefit of the doubt that there will be some amount of stretching involved.
• Durability: Of course, this assumes that you'll actually need more than a few panicked thrusts worth of protection.
• Structural Integrity: Hot Rod diligently screens for microscopic pinholes acquired during the manufacturing process. For assurances regarding post-manufacture pinholes, contact your ex-girlfriend.

Of course, helping you avoid flaccidity and fatherhood aren't the 'Strip's only benefits. These wang-wraps are also handy timesavers when you're about to be sexing against the clock, i.e., halftime's almost over, or your girlfriend's due back from the relationship counselor at any minute. So strap one on right now, and enjoy cutting edge condom technology, right in the palm of your hand.

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Available at Condomania, 351 Bleeker St, or at Hot Rod's site HotRodCondoms.com