Nation

You fancy yourself a real Thanksgiving assassin, but when it comes to true holiday gluttony, you're a little boy. Not this year. To help you reach true gastrointestinal glory, we spoke with two of the world's most feared competitive eaters -- Crazy Legs Conti and Badlands Booker -- to develop this exclusive feast-demolishing strategy.

Today

Expand your stomach from its natural and inadequate fist-sized dimensions to an awesome, basketball-sized pit. Crazy Legs suggests decimating an all-you-can-eat spread, or acclimatizing your body to turkey by doing a 1/2lb cold-cut "sprint". Badlands stretches his digestive sac with things that'll pass quickly -- like a gallon of water, 10-15 lbs of fruit/vegetables, or a half dozen succulent infant children.

Tomorrow

Go light. Consume noodle soups or raw fish. Try your very best to poop.

Day-of Strategy

Do:

• Prepare mentally by visualizing your goals, or by listening to Badlands' upcoming CD, Hungry and Focused II: The Ingestion Engine, available Thanksgiving Day at IFOCE.com.
• Perform calisthenics to rev up your lethargic metabolism.
• Sit up straight during your meal as hunching over compresses more gastric real estate than a grasping amateur like you can spare.

Do Not:

• Eat breakfast or snacks. Yes, this unfortunately includes heavenly toaster strudel.
• Eat the marshmallow topping on yams. It expands like foam in your stomach, destroying everything you've worked so hard to achieve.
• Bloat yourself with water. Instead, eat turkey au jus or with whatever gravy is remaining after mixing a round of wildly unpopular gravytinis.

Post-meal Recuperation

Enjoy natural digestive aids such as pineapple or grapes, and take shots of the digestif Fernet-Branca (Crazy Legs calls it "delicious Drano"). After that, you're essentially doomed to fall into a tryptophan-induced coma -- where you'll dream of next year, when you'll reach higher, train harder, and take your game up to the level of these immortal champions.