Bitterwater Outfitters Hunt for water buffalo in Paso Robles. Oh, and also mountain goats.

Because Red October's like, 8mos away, hunt for something else while you wait with Bitterwater Outfitters, a totally legit, 3hrs-north-of-LA, 85000-acre ranch that leads crazy-ass gun-toting trips that can last anywhere from 16hrs to three days, and -- unlike Law & Order -- all end with a guaranteed kill.

Making it happen's surprisingly doable: just give 'em a call and ask for Clayton, who'll walk you through the licensing process (if applicable) and find out what you want to shoot, whether it's bighorn sheep, bison, water buffalo, wild pigs, squirrels, birds, or -- if you really want things to get Ugly -- coyotes. The excursion's either by foot, truck, or ATV, with Bitterwater providing plenty of ammo and guns (like 50mms and AK-47s) that you can pre-fire at a practice shooting range and fishing pond, where you'll end little lives just for the halibut.

In addition, if you bag something edible, they'll ship it to a nearby butchery free of charge as long as you promise to get it home, with or without Sean Connery's cooperation.