Bamboo It's not just for furniture/ weaponry/ bikes/ eco-friendly shirts anymore

Finally open tomorrow after being overrun with untz by Ultra events and Chris Bosh's birthday bash, Bamboo’s the initial US venture of Romanian nightclub powerhouse Bamboo Group, which 1) is the only thing not owned by Nadia Comaneci in that entire country, and 2) has completely transformed the Paris Theater into a thoroughly glammed-out club that boasts "Romanesque modern luxury with Oriental accents", although this place is actually fairly easy to understand.

The bi-level, 1000-partier-ready space kinda looks like the main room of The Shining hotel with fewer murderous twins and more stuff that actually shines (e.g., a 30ft wide, two-ton, 550 bulb-equipped Swarovski chandelier), plus gilded Asian statues and Euro-imported chairs that mimic a dog leash by replacing armrests with chains and a canine head, which most canines attempt to give themselves the four hours a day they're not licking their butt.

To remind you that you are, indeed, in a club in Miami, there’re two full bars, 42 VIP tables, and the focal point: a custom built, hydraulic stage outfitted with what they claim is the largest LED installation on the Beach. DJs spinning house, hip-hop, and Top 40’ll rotate every night, including heavy hitters like Bob Sinclar and DJ Irie, who you should definitely go say high to.

And when you take a quick break from popping and locking, grab the standard bottles (Dewar's, Corzo, Glenfiddich, Johnnie), plus the not-so-standard Beluga Vodka and a fancy lineup of imported vino and bubbly including Opus, Cakebread, Angel, and Salon Champagne, enough of which will make even American you extremely difficult to understand.