Gladiator Rock'n Run Battle like a gladiator then celebrate not being a slave

Created by a former American Gladiator so legendary, he definitely has a tribute video on YouTube set to Limp Bizkit's "Rollin'", Nitro's Gladiator Rock'n Run is a fresh-to-SD race that'll take 10 waves of 500 battle-run-ready competitors through a 5K course riddled with 15 “insane” and two “nightmare mystery” (!) obstacles.

Do you think you have what it takes to face down impediments created by a man who wrote a memoir subtitled "Roids, Rage and Redemption"? Us neither, but still, read on to learn about oft-questionably named obstacles like the:

Tube Steak: Prepare to “grovel through the mud and stank to freedom” -- something your tube steak is likely already at least 50% familiar with.

Buddha's Burden: Schlep 40lb bags of rice 40yds to the foot of a Buddha statue, then watch in dismay as the statue doesn't even eat the f-ing rice.

Skid Marks: While sliding down a mud-covered tarp into a swampy pond, they promise you'll get mud “in places you've never dreamed of”. You hear that, upper part of the ear?!?

Wall of Shame: It's a 4ft wall you have to climb over. And yes, they have an 8ft “Wall of Fame”, but let's try and be realistic here for a minute.

Polar Bear Plunge: Nitro's junk's been shriveled from years of performance enhancers being dominated by Storm, so he wants yours to follow suit in this ice-cold, waist-deep pit o' pain.

After you revert to a toddler-esque state and crawl crying across the finish line, they'll reward you with a beer-and-food-laden after party rocked by three mystery bands, who're used to playing parties where people are always Rollin'.