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Thrillist Portland
The Margarita In Its Natural Environment
Braving the wild in search of agave enlightment (now with 100% less Sigourney Weaver narration)
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In The Beginning...
The scientific community hypothesizes that the modern margarita (Margaritus Intoxicatus) was conceived during a tryst between a lime and Jose Cuervo during a Julio Iglesias concert. Ever since, this remarkable creature has become the pinnacle of evolution, adapting to its various habitats to thrive. Come friends, let us explore the myriad margarita species...
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Cadillac Margarita at Casa Del Matador
Conditioned to endure the hot trends of NW Portland, the Margaritus Cadillactus (Cadillac Margarita, to the layman) takes its red tint from an infusion of Grand Marnier, which helps it hide among the flames of its volcanic homeland.
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Cadillac Margarita at Casa Del Matador
In a marvel of evolutionary engineering, the Cadillactus can expand its pores, secreting life-saving perspiration in a brutal summertime landscape. But not all margaritas are so evolutionarily fortunate...
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Frozen Margarita at Bunk Bar
The Margaritus Slurpeeis spends the bulk of its short life confined to a small, frigid compartment in which its DNA -- tequila, fresh-squeezed limes, sugar -- is swirled at subzero temps. Scientifically, it's breathtaking. But the Slurpeeis is not long for this world...
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Frozen Margarita at Bunk Bar
Like the mayfly, Margaritus Slurpeeis' lifespan is a mere 30min, after which it is either consumed by a human indie-rock concertgoer (Stevemalkmus Erectus) or simply melts. However, some of the cold-climate species' genetic cousins have evolved to acquire longevity...
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Plantain Margarita at Mi Mero Mole
Indigenous to the foothills of Mt. Tabor, the Margaritus Bigbananamus (Plantain Margarita) subsists on plantains, which it converts to a syrup that creates a mild yellow pigmentation, and adds a sweetness making it difficult for predators to quaff rapidly, thus lengthening its life.
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Plantain Margarita at Mi Mero Mole
In addition, the Bigbananamus is crowned with a jagged anise spur, which predators must avoid while consuming its nectar. But one of its genetic brethren has surpassed it by using camouflage...
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Oaxacan Daisy at Beaker & Flask
Squint hard. Do you see it? Hidden between the intergalactic gangsters and mutant squirrel-pig, you will find the rare Oaxacan Daisy, a unique cross-pollination of mescal and agave nectar that has the ability to blend into its environment.
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Oaxacan Daisy at Beaker & Flask
So rare is the Oaxacan Daisy that no scientist has ever captured it on film -- until now! Nor does it appear on any menu. Only those who can speak its name at Beaker & Flask may taste its unique flavor. (Seriously, ask your bartender for a Oaxacan Daisy.)
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The Margarita at Lucky Devil Lounge
In the shadows of the Ross Island Bridge lurks a cult of Amazon women known for their dexterity on poles, who cultivate a judgement-impairing margarita -- the Margaritus Gyraticus -- to lure men in like sirens, only to seize their $1 bills...
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The Margarita at Lucky Devil Lounge
Pouring nectar from a glass skull branded with "Kah," these nocturnal creatures combine Gyraticus libations and flesh to appeal to man's basest desires, feeding their never-ending hunger for platform shoes and schoolgirl outfits. And margaritas.
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Field Notes
No fewer than 11 margaritas were killed over the course of this extensive study, and many more will perish come Cinco de Mayo. While it is a beautiful creature indeed, you should do your best to aid its extinction this Saturday.
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