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Thrillist
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On Fitness
"I made the elliptical machine my bitch a couple of times a week... and largely credit it for helping me achieve the just slightly less doughy look I was totally going for."
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On Tokyo
"If Tokyo and New York were in prison together, New York would be Tokyo's bitch, with Tokyo buying New York for a carton of cigarettes and having intercourse with its face for weeks on end just to show it who's boss."
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On Giving Food To The Homeless
"Even though the lady was carrying a tall-boy, an orange traffic cone, and my Chinese food, she still caught up to me pretty easily... this time fully connecting with what I guess would technically be known as my anus... 'Your p*ssy stinks,' she told me."
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On Meeting Nude Internet Chicks
"'I wonder if she has a Myspace page'... I arranged to meet the Hottest Naked Chick on the Internet at a restaurant near my apartment."
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On Nude Internet Chicks Being Pros
"I was insulted that she might think I was the kind of guy who'd be willing to pay for sex... [but] I was completely flattered that she might think I could afford to spend four thousand dollars on it."
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On Discovering Rock & Roll
"The rocker's instinct to learn [Deep Purple] is kind of like how a little baby piglet knows to start suckling on a sow's teat just moments after being born."
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On Toilets
"I'd become increasingly fascinated with Japanese toilets... perhaps most importantly how they made me feel both "down there", and deep down inside my heart of hearts."
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On Volunteering At Homeless Shelters
"Once Ricky's shower was complete, it was time for the lotion party."
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On Volunteering At Homeless Shelters, Pt 2
"Duly protected, I'd apply a dab of lotion in a circular motion to each of his scabies sores, one at a time... It was like some sort of extremely disturbing, alternate-universe 'Karate Kid' exercise."
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On Respect
Despite what you're witnessing, Dave would like to clarify that the book is a hardcover, because he doesn't mess around with that p***y paperback crap. So grab that stiff bastard right here.
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