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"I made the elliptical machine my bitch a couple of times a week... and largely credit it for helping me achieve the just slightly less doughy look I was totally going for."
"If Tokyo and New York were in prison together, New York would be Tokyo's bitch, with Tokyo buying New York for a carton of cigarettes and having intercourse with its face for weeks on end just to show it who's boss."
"Even though the lady was carrying a tall-boy, an orange traffic cone, and my Chinese food, she still caught up to me pretty easily... this time fully connecting with what I guess would technically be known as my anus... 'Your p*ssy stinks,' she told me."
"'I wonder if she has a Myspace page'... I arranged to meet the Hottest Naked Chick on the Internet at a restaurant near my apartment."
"I was insulted that she might think I was the kind of guy who'd be willing to pay for sex... [but] I was completely flattered that she might think I could afford to spend four thousand dollars on it."
"The rocker's instinct to learn [Deep Purple] is kind of like how a little baby piglet knows to start suckling on a sow's teat just moments after being born."
"I'd become increasingly fascinated with Japanese toilets... perhaps most importantly how they made me feel both "down there", and deep down inside my heart of hearts."
"Once Ricky's shower was complete, it was time for the lotion party."
"Duly protected, I'd apply a dab of lotion in a circular motion to each of his scabies sores, one at a time... It was like some sort of extremely disturbing, alternate-universe 'Karate Kid' exercise."
Despite what you're witnessing, Dave would like to clarify that the book is a hardcover, because he doesn't mess around with that p***y paperback crap. So grab that stiff bastard right here.