Girl Talk With Sarah Walker, Vol. 4

She's funny. Read her funny stuff at sarahwwalker.com and @swalks

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Bret Easton Ellis to Turn Linsday Lohan Into P*rn Star

Sarah says: "There's something about Lindsay Lohan that doesn't elicit a lot of sympathy from girls, which is weird, because Mean Girls is definitely in your date's top five. However, this is basically the perfect intersection of the guy/guy Venn Diagram because we KNOW you love Bret Easton Ellis' American Psycho. And p*rn. I'd skew more towards the Patrick Bateman convo, but if you want to get into the other one, you might want to mention that Sasha Grey is now somehow a legit actress. This is just the world we live in."
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She Also Had Booze in a Water Bottle in Her Wrecked Porsche

Sarah says: "She was (no joke) driving to the set of her Lifetime original movie called Liz & Dick (Wait, another p*rn? BOOM) and crashed into an 18 wheeler. Yikes! That's so many wheels! Then the lying and the booze. She's done it, she's a literal car wreck. Does your date like car wrecks? Do they turn her on? KIDDING DON'T ASK THAT. This also gives you the chance to inquire about your date's favorite Lifetime movie. They are a joyful, stupid pleasure in our lives. If you want to reference one, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? stars Tori Spelling, who escapes from her serial killer boyfriend... via canoe."
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Danny Boyle Has Contracted ~70 Sheep for Opening Ceremonies

Sarah says: "The London Olympics are fast approaching and director Danny Boyle, of Slumdog Millionaire and Trainspotting fame, will be directing the opening ceremonies, which will allegedly include "12 horses, 3 cows, 2 goats, 10 chickens, 10 ducks, 9 geese, 70 sheep and 3 sheep dogs." After you're done mocking that, ask your date's favorite event. It's probably women's gymnastics. If yours is women's gymnastics, don't say that. More stuff to ask: has she been to London? Does she want to go? How does she feel about Kate? Wills? Harry? PIPPA??"
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Pizza Vending Machines Coming To America

Sarah says: "The pizza vending machines are coming! The pizza vending machines are coming! Let's Pizza claims to provide fresh, healthy, and somehow hygienic pizza in 2.5mins. Great drinking food, sure, but where does your date stand on this insanity? You don't want to come down too hard one way or the other before hearing her opinion, so maybe test the waters with, "I think it's gr..."and wait for her to finish the sentence with "gross" or "great", and go from there. Or you're left hanging just saying "grrrr" maybe she'll think you're growling at her, which could go awesome or not so awesome. But life's a gamble, y'know?"
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Miss Pennsylvania Thinks Miss Colorado, Others, Are Ugly

Sarah says: "At the Miss USA Pageant, Miss Pennsylvania was all "Miss Colorado and Miss South Carolina are supes uggs, this pageant is totes rigged" (paraphrased). This is great. It's everything you ever hoped a beauty pageant could be. Does your date think they're archaic dog and pony shows (dog=boobs, pony=ass)? Does she think they celebrate something meaningful and positive in women? Has she seen Miss Congeniality? Of course she has. Have you?? Yes, but your sister made you watch it. Great film, though. That Sandy Bullock is going places."
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