Girl Talk With Sarah Walker, Vol. 6

Aside from helping you look not-foolish around women, Sarah also writes for McSweeney's and tweets funny things from @swalks

Tweet

Image 1 of 5

Women Continue To Love Gymnastics

Sarah says: "USA! USA! Gymnastics have long been all girls' favorite Olympic sport, give or take some figure skating, and maybe something she played in high school that they don't show on any of the 18 NBC networks. Propose a toast to our girls, praising them for accomplishing WAY more than you ever did by the time you were 16, or ever. Then move on to something about Aly Raisman's freak parents up in the stands. I bet when they find her smoking a butt behind the toolshed, they're like, 'hey, no big deal!'"
Tweet

Image 2 of 5

K-Stew/Robert Pattinson/Director Dude Love Triangle Won't End

Sarah says: "Oh Lord. What a mess. How you play this one: Don't call Kristin Stewart the jerk. Because even though she is a jerk for cheating, the real, capitalized Jerk here is the married father of two who is 20 years older than she. That's just math. You know who's not a jerk? Reese Witherspoon. She's letting R Patz stay at her ranch... to unwind? Wait, what? Well, she seems sweet on Letterman so it can't be like that. I'd say flip the sympathy card around, unless your date has some strong anti-K-Stew feelings, then feel free to agree with her. At least you know she's not a cheater? Maybe?"
Tweet

Image 3 of 5

M. Cera Photos Prove Arrested Development Movie Is In Works

Sarah says: "Hopefully your date is an Arrested fan. That way you can show her the picture through this link and she can squeal with excitement that the show is coming back, and then you can spend the rest of the date quoting the show and swearing you don't have a weird crush on your cousin. Done and done. If she doesn't like Arrested Development, Maeby this isn't a good idea."
Tweet

Image 4 of 5

Cuba Gooding Jr Has Warrant Out for His Arrest

Sarah says: "Oh, how the mighty(ish) do fall. One minute you're winning an Oscar, and the next you have a warrant out for your arrest in New Orleans for starring in Snow Dogs. Oh wait, no. For shoving a bartender. Oh, did your date know that Sisqo was in Snow Dogs? Do NOT make a thong joke. Just start with some early 2000's music reminiscing and watch the hours fly by! Nelly! Ja Rule! Mystikal! Crazy Town!! Are these people even alive anymore?!"
Tweet

Image 5 of 5

Snoop Dogg Is Now Snoop Lion, Will Sing Reggae Instead of Rap

Sarah says: "There comes a point in every superstar's career when they become such a megalomaniac that they change their name. See J. Lo and Diddy. And your buddy Lance who unsuccessfully tried to make everyone start calling him "Wolf" a few years back. Now it's Snoop, who was rechristened by a Rastafarian priest as Snoop Lion. Makes no sense music-wise, but really, what has he done that's better than Doggy Style? DON'T wink at your date when you say that. What animal would she change her name to? Have yours at the ready. Don't say Pony."
Loved it? Share it.

Want more? Check out...
Moby 1 Expedition Trailers ▶