Once a player turns your fantasy season into a nightmare like the one poor Jon's having up there, you should absolutely change your overly optimistic team name to something appropriately miserable. Here're some prime examples of that excruciating-but-kinda-fun process, using some all-time great fantasy killers.
The Victory Guarantor: Chris Johnson
Fantasy Name: CJ2KO
Rationale: 2000+ rushing yards and 16 TDs will knock everybody out.
Nightmare Name: Chrisappointing
Rationale: 1364 rushing yards and 12 TDs will only knock some people out. 1047/4 only knocks out Peter McNeeley.
The Surefire Comeback: Larry Johnson
Fantasy Name: Yards Per Larry
Rationale: LJ is too good not to come back strong.
Nightmare Name: Three Yards Per Larry
Rationale: LJ was not too good not to come back strong.
The Devastating Injury: Jamaal Charles
Fantasy Name: Jamaal Night Long
Rationale: Jamaal Charles' explosive numbers will have you singing “Tam bo li de say de moi ya/Hey Jambo Jumbo/Way to parti o we goin'/Oh, jambali/Tam bo li de say de moi ya/Yeah, Jambo, jumbo!”
Nightmare Name: JamACL Charles
Rationale: It's not his fault, but it's still incredibly painful. For you. And your fantasy team.
The Looked Amazing in Limited Appearances Guy: Kevin Kolb
Fantasy Name: Kolb as Ice, narrowly beating out Kevin Sent
Rationale: “He's the first QB in NFL history to throw for 300+ in his first two starts, and now he's throwing to a little guy I like to call THE BEST RECEIVER IN THE NFL. Also, Foreigner is totally underrated.”
Nightmare Name: Kevin and Hell, narrowly beating out How Can Kevin Kolb Suck This Bad?
Rationale: You now hate Foreigner.
The Biggest Bust Ever, Including Probably Man-Bra Size: JaMarcus Russell
Fantasy Name: Do The Russell!
Rationale: Anyone who can throw a ball 70 yards off his knees is clearly the real (Van) McCoy
Nightmare Name: Russell and Blow
Rationale: If the Raiders/fantasy owners had done their homework, they would've discovered Terrence Howard was actually a better pro QB prospect. So was Anthony Anderson, for that matter.
The Second Year Bust: Steve Slaton
Fantasy Name: A.C. Slaton
Rationale: His freakish athleticism makes everyone else on the field look like Screech.
Nightmare Name: Moats from the Underground
Rationale: Because the most promising all-around back in the league fumbled 800 times and got beaten out by Ryan Moats. And because you want everyone to think you read Dostoevsky, which is a weird lie to tell a bunch of guys in a fantasy football league.
The Actually Over-the-Hill Gang: 2011 Pittsburgh Steelers Defense
Fantasy Name: Order of the Smith Lords
Rationale: Sure Aaron Smith gets hurt all the time but he's the heart and soul of a defense that was the fantasy world's best in 2010.
Nightmare Name: Step PUP 2: The Streets
Rationale: Aaron Smith got hurt again. So did everybody else who sacked quarterbacks, intercepted passes, or recovered fumbles -- basically this D was like a Step Up sequel Channing Tatum barely appeared in.
The Madden Cursed: Peyton Hillis
Fantasy Name: The Hillises Have Eyes
Rationale: The 2nd coming of John Riggins will tear apart defenses like a savage hill mutant, which he might actually be, since he's from Conway, Arkansas.
Nightmare Name: What You Talkin' 'Bout, Hillis?
Rationale: The dude just flat-out disappeared, like Different Strokes' Todd Bridges did during the years he was shooting drug dealers and stabbing guys with kitchen knives.
The Perpetual Disappointment: DeAngelo Williams
Fantasy Name: DeAngeLo-Mein
Rationale: After a season riddled with injury, this talented player is as hungry as a guy who had Chinese food four hours ago.
Nightmare Name: It Puts the DeAngelotion in the Basket
Rationale: DeAngelo Williams will throw your fantasy season in the bottom of a well.
The I'm-Gonna-Out-Guess-Everyone Guy: Chastin West
Fantasy Name: Chastin West Coast Offense
Rationale: “Blaine Gabbert has to throw to somebody, and this kid's 5 inches taller than Mike Thomas."
Nightmare Name: Chastiny Belt
Rationale: Apparently Blaine Gabbert doesn't have to throw to anybody, because Chastin West is not scoring.
Published: July 26, 2012 at 4:00am EDT
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