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10: Werther's Originals
"A Werther’s caramel always looks like a candy that just struggled its way out of the sleeve of a mothy cardigan. Thanks for the Halloween treat, grandma. Maybe we can play a riveting game of bridge after all the sobs are over."
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9: Pixy Stix
"The frazzle dust in Pixy Stix is like the shake swept off the floor of the candy cigarette factory. But don’t worry. Packaged as they are in paper straws, Pixy Stix inevitably succumb to their fragile nature, leaving a chalk outline in sticky sugar at the bottom of the trick-or-treat sack."
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8: Candy Corn
"Candy corn is the universal sign of someone who has given up on Halloween. A tri-colored flag of indifference, they are the candy bowl equivalent of sweatpants in public. These waxy jerks mean the folks in this house rely on others to give out the candy of consequence. That’s just a mooch move on society, man."
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7: Apples
"Was there ever a more deflating moment as a child than to approach an inviting door, ring the bell, be greeted by a smiling adult, open your pillowcase bloated with Butterfingers, and have a rotund apple or other worthless fruit unceremoniously deposited in your sack? The answer is no. Fruit is for sickos."
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6: Jawbusters
"The mouth breathers of the candy world. And since they’re buyable in bulk, the very presence of these round mounds of impacted sugar on a trick-or-treat route means both you and that house will be sucking for a long, long time."
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5: Drawings
“Hey you neighborhood ragamuffins! We spent three minutes hacking out crude sketches of iconic Halloween items like pumpkins and ghosts for you to color in at home. What? Candy? No, we don’t have any of that. Our favorite flavor is cheapness.”
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4: Dots
"Each Halloween one house always passed out miniature boxes of Dots with a pasted-on address label. This assured parents against rat poison or razor blades, and guaranteed an egging from irked goblins demanding more Kit Kats. While not at the very bottom of the plastic pumpkin, these gummies were longtime haters of teeth and always a tough act to swallow."
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3: Cola
"Look, cola is a necessary accompaniment to the impending candy carnage at home. But to impose the weight of a can on a kid who’s already hauling a heavy sack around town, and for that can to occupy space that could more efficiently be filled with sweets? That’s cruel and unusual punishment. Why don’t you just put a gallon of milk in there?
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2: Chocolate Baseballs
"Preferred by people too cheap to splurge for Hershey’s Kisses, likely left over from last month’s little league banquet, and generally a novelty frowned upon by Kid Nation. Generic chocolate sports balls taste about as good as they bounce."
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1: Scripture
"Yes, some people see Halloween as an opportunity to preach the gospel by doling out scripture, or even scripture disguised as cartoon strips. How twisted. On the plus side, these people will also burn for eternity in the area of hell that is built entirely from circus peanuts."
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The Snackpot
This awesome rundown was brought to you by TheSnackpot.com. Be sure to head over and check out even more of their glorious snack musings.
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