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Entertainment options for every flight length

Photo: Casey Serin As those of you with advent calendars know, we’ve reached the final stretch of the holiday season. Which means that, in a few days, many of you will be stuck on planes with cramped leg room and shrieking children for untold amounts of time. Those indignities can’t be helped, but there is one thing you can avoid: crap in-flight entertainment. Thwart Southwest’s attempts to make you a 27 Dresses fan with this list of movie (and TV) options, divided by genre and flight time. We even tell you where to find them, because that’s what Christmas is all about. FLIGHT TIME: 5 HOURS Photo: Universal The Bourne Route Departure: Get a double dose of (cue obligatory Team America pronunciation) Matt Damon with The Bourne Identity (running time: 1 hr, 59 min) and The Bourne Supremacy (RT: 1 hr, 48 min). Return: Enjoy the shakiest movie to ever shaky cam, The Bourne Ultimatum (running time: 1 hr, 55 min), and close out with the new sorta-not-really sequel The Bourne Legacy (running time: 2 hrs, 5 min). How to Watch: The Bourne Identity: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD The Bourne Supremacy: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD The Bourne Ultimatum: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD The Bourne Legacy: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Photo: Paramount Pictures The Mob Route Departure: You can keep it simple and go with one really long gangster epic, like Once Upon a Time in America (running time: 3 hrs, 49 min), but for those with shorter attention spans, try a pairing of The Untouchables (running time: 1 hr, 59 min) and Donnie Brasco (running time: 2 hrs, 7 min). Return: Catch four to five episodes of Boardwalk Empire (running time: roughly 50 minutes each). Just don’t say you weren’t warned about the Steve Buscemi sex scenes. How to Watch: Once Upon a Time in America: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD The Untouchables: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Donnie Brasco: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Boardwalk Empire: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Photo: Magnolia Home Entertainment The Foreign Original/American Remake Route Departure: Watch the Swedish flick Let the Right One In (running time: 1 hr, 55 min), a rare vampire movie that won’t make you want to punch the baby in 11F. Follow it with the less verbose U.S. version, Let Me In (running time: 1 hr, 56 min). Return: Catch the Japanese movie that indirectly prompted you to make all those hilarious “seven days” prank calls, Ringu (running time: 1 hr, 36 min). Then watch the one that actually made you do it: The Ring (running time: 1 hr, 55 min). How to Watch: Let the Right One In: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Let Me In: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Ringu: Netflix | DVD The Ring: Netflix | iTunes | DVD Photo: Comedy Central The Raunchy TV Route Departure: Allow Kenny Powers to f*ck you up with some truth. You can knock out the entire third season of Eastbound & Down (running time: 3 hrs, 44 min) before your first family fight. Return: Get weird with Adam, Blake, and Anders by watching a whole season of Workaholics (running time: 3 hrs, 40 min). How to Watch: Eastbound & Down: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Workaholics: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Photo: Twentieth Century Fox The Alien-In-Order Route Departure: Watch a Ripley wannabe investigate what we’re all doing here, man in Prometheus (running time: 2 hr. 4 mins). Then jump forward a few decades with the one that started it all, Alien (running time: 1 hr, 57 min). Return: Continue the saga with Aliens (running time: 2 hrs, 17 minutes), but then jump ship for an unrelated but awesome sci-fi movie Attack the Block (running time: 1 hr, 28 min). Because no one should be forced to watch Alien 3 or Alien Resurrection. No one. Not ever. How to Watch: Prometheus: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Alien: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Aliens: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Attack the Block: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD
FLIGHT TIME: 4 HOURS Photo: Lionsgate The Expendables Route Departure: Experience the action event of 2012 -- no, not Beauty and the Beast 3D -- with The Expendables 2 (running time: 1 hr, 43 min). Next, revisit Dolph and Sly in their sprier days in Rocky IV (running time: 1 hr, 31 min). Return: Bask in the glory of Arnie’s puns and body paint with Commando (running time: 1 hr, 30 min) then catch one of the Expendables’ younger members in The Transporter (running time: 1 hr, 32 min). How to Watch: The Expendables 2: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Rocky IV: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Commando: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD The Transporter: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Photo: Columbia Pictures The Will Smith Buddy Cop Route Departure: Watch shit get alarmingly real in Bad Boys II (running time: 2 hrs, 27 min). Return: Catch some vintage Smith and Tommy Lee Jones banter in Men in Black (running time: 1 hr, 38 min), and then see their newest outing in Men in Black 3 (running time: 1 hr, 46 min). Sorry, not even “Black Suits Comin’ (Nod Ya Head)” can make Men in Black 2 worth it. How to Watch: Bad Boys II: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Men in Black: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Men in Black 3: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures The Superhero Movie Route Departure: Hone your totally still relevant Bane impression with The Dark Knight Rises (running time: 2 hrs, 45 min). Return: Either watch the sorta-unnecessary-but-still-fun Amazing Spider-Man (2 hrs, 16 mins) or the highly-necessary-and-outrageously-fun Avengers (2 hrs., 23 mins). How to Watch: The Dark Knight Rises: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD The Amazing Spider-Man: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD The Avengers: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Photo: Sony Pictures The Music Documentary Route Departure: Maintain your music cred with some recent-ish, critically acclaimed docs, Anvil: The Story of Anvil (running time: 1 hr, 20 minutes) and It Might Get Loud (running time: 1 hr, 38 min). Return: Go back to the classics with Don’t Look Back (running time: 1 hr, 36 min) and Gimme Shelter (running time: 1 hr, 31 min). How to Watch: Anvil: The Story of Anvil: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD It Might Get Loud: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Bob Dylan: Don’t Look Back: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Gimme Shelter: Netflix | DVD Photo: Universal Pictures The Violent World War II Movie Route Departure: Enjoy a movie that boasts one of the bloodiest opening sequences ever and Vin Diesel’s most prestigious film appearance, Saving Private Ryan (running time: 3 hrs, 19 min). Return: Gorge on some good ol’ Nazi huntin’ and history rewritin’ with Inglourious Basterds (running time: 3 hrs, 3 min). How to Watch: Saving Private Ryan: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Inglourious Basterds: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD
FLIGHT TIME: 3 HOURS Photo: Universal Pictures The Crass Comedy Route Departure: Join Marky Mark and the teddy bear with a dirtier mouth than George Carlin for Ted (running time: 1 hr, 46 min). Return: Come to the unsettling realization that Channing Tatum is actually funny with 21 Jump Street (running time: 1 hr, 49 min) How to Watch: Ted: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD 21 Jump Street: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Photo: Columbia Pictures The Movies to Make Fellow Passengers Uncomfortable Route Departure: There’s nothing like a horrific plane crash to send your fellow travelers into a panic, and The Grey (running time: 1 hr, 57 min) features one guaranteed to have them scrambling for the barf bags. Return: Hijacking isn’t exactly comforting either, so pop in Air Force One (running time: 2 hrs, 4 min). How to Watch: The Grey: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Air Force One: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Photo: Lionsgate The Slasher Satire Route Departure: Go back to a simpler time when Scary Movie 4 was nonexistent and Neve Campbell still relevant with Scream (running time: 1 hr, 51 min). Return: See nerd icon Joss Whedon’s recent horror send-up, The Cabin in the Woods (running time: 1 hr, 35 min). How to Watch: Scream: Netflix | DVD The Cabin in the Woods: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Photo: Twentieth Century Fox The Classic Sci-Fi Route Departure: You might have missed its 30th birthday earlier this year, so rediscover Blade Runner (running time: 1 hr, 57 min). Return: RoboCop (running time: 1 hr, 42 min) also turned 25 in July, and it’d be nice if you actually paid it a visit, you jag. How to Watch: Blade Runner: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD RoboCop: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD Photo: Paramount Pictures The Recent SNL Alum Route Departure: You can’t talk about airplanes anymore without someone saying they’re ready to paaaaaaarty, so just give in already and watch Bridesmaids (running time: 2 hrs, 5 min). Return: If you love Evel Knievel but wish he was goofier and did rage dances, you’ll like Andy Samberg in Hot Rod (running time: 1 hr, 28 min). How to Watch: Bridesmaids: Netflix | iTunes | DVD Hot Rod: Netflix | iTunes | Amazon Instant | DVD
FLIGHT TIME: 2 HOURS Photo: Cult Epics The Awesomely Bad Movie Route Departure: Here’s the thing -- you don’t have time to watch a normal-length movie. So dip into the best-worst-movie genre with Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1 hr, 17 min), which is exactly what it sounds like. Return: See the granddaddy of Killer Klowns from Outer Space and The Room, Reefer Madness (1 hr, 6 min). How to Watch: Reefer Madness: Netflix | Amazon Instant | DVD Death Bed: The Bed That Eats: Netflix | DVD

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