Men slap on cologne due to breathy assurances that they'll smell like Cool Water or Eternity, only to end up smelling more French. Smell cooler, with I Hate Perfume.

IHP's a 30-strong line of wholly unique, handcrafted, alcohol-free scents from Christopher "Don't Call Me Scott" Brosius, a former Kiehl's perfumist and taxi driver who'd grown enraged by floridly-scented fares overpowering his rearview pine tree. The idea: using "molecular odor analysis technique" and his own "natural nose", Brosius claims he can recreate, blend, and bottle virtually any smell -- though thankfully for men who don't appreciate "frat couch", he's concentrated on odors you'd actually want to project. Some of the titles tell you exactly what to expect (Burning Leaves smells like burning leaves), some surpass expectations with their specificity (At the Beach 1966 -- "Coppertone 1967 and the North Atlantic w/ a bit of Wet Sand, Seashell, Driftwood and just a hint of Boardwalk"), and some put you at risk of being slaughtered by a boar (Wild Hunt brings "the scent of an ancient forest" via torn leaves, green moss, fir, pine, and... tiny mushrooms?).

A few of Hate's scents sound like the vague stuff of underwear models, notably Fire From Heaven -- but considering it contains Frankincense and Myrrh, it actually does exactly what it promises: makes you smell like Jesus. Suck on that, Eternity.

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Apartment smell awful? IHP also sells home sprays like Old Leather, Blood Orange, and Lava Rock; all the goods're at Nomad or online at www.cbih