Soap opera's don't lack for villains, but their only comeuppances seems to be when they get amnesia or suddenly find themselves married to Cricket in a relationship that just moved too fast! Finally giving melodramatic villains (and everyone else) their brutal due, The Jim Rose Circus vs. Jake The Snake Roberts.

Billed as an onstage soap that incorporates "Pretty Girls, Wrestling, Amazing Circus Stunts, and a FIST FIGHT", JRCvJSR's a tender saga that consists of the king of comically charged enter-pain-ment's attempts to permanently swear Jake the Snake (yes, he's back) off violence in favor of self-mutilation (Spoiler alert! It doesn't work!). The hour+ long show features two ineffectual referees, Bebe the scant-clad circus queen, a human dart board, SiNn BohDi (plus a host of other WWE wrestlers you may recognize), and Rose's beloved 18ft albino Burmese Python, Maurice Le Grand (behold the quiet dignity of the French). Swaying Jake away from violence are depraved acts of nostril power-drilling, bending rebar with teeth, ball-stapling, etc; many of which are performed by Jake and Jim, before the "plot" evaporates and the show descends into all-out chaos, punctuated by a Jake-patented DDT move so potent, ten out of ten doctors agree, it's hella painful.

Sweetening the deal, JR's dishin' free pairs o' tix to the first five Thrillist readers who correctly name the original python Jake burlap-sacked into the ring -- a kidnapping comeuppance the snake deserved after devouring way too many Crickets.

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Name the serpent at JakeSnakeContest@gmail.com or score tix at