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Why There Are No Girls In San Francisco

San Francisco

If luminaries like Darwin, Mendel and Galileo taught us anything, it's never be afraid to ask the question "Why?", or "What's the deal with that crazy-ass finch beak?". Fearlessly taking on the spiciest mystery of them all, Why There Are No Girls In San Francisco.

WTANGISF's an entertainingly thoughtful blog, nay...treatise comprised of extensive essayish arguments, each providing a different excuse as to why sweet hookups in SF're improbable, all broken down with near-scientific precision and unwavering logic, much like your decision to change your middle name to Horatio. Here are some pearls, ostensibly penned pseudonymously by 77-year-old "man of leisure", Samuel Snodgrass:

On giving up good looking women to NYC: "SF somehow always loses its talent to the Big Apple. The process is not always instant but it's inevitable, which is why whenever we spot a pretty girl on the streets of San Francisco we never really appreciate the moment, we're too busy thinking about the Canadian Football League, and the day it lost Doug Flutie to the NFL."

On the uglifying effects of SF's "On-Shore Breeze": "A girl dolls up to the nines, checks herself in the mirror a thousand times and then the second she leaves her apartment gets air blasted. Her skin is chafed, her eyes water and, most saliently, her hair becomes a wind torn mess. All that time poofing and curling and straightening, wasted. She shows up at the bar or restaurant or theatre looking like Bruce Willis at the end of Die Hard."

On the proliferation of wine bars ruining the chance to hook up: "Wine bars...provide the illusion of vigorous socialization without any real threat of injury or embarrassment. They are like youth soccer: you can play out the season, never touch the ball, and no one will notice".

On SF's "Day Culture": "In San Francisco you're either a person who "likes to do things during the day" or a totally different person, the kind who "likes to go out", AKA a nightlife junkie, a person who shotguns beer, yells obscenities at strippers and drunk drives orphans to Cambodian killing fields. You're that guy".

Spicing up Snodgrass's tour de force are hyperlinks that'll take you to funny YouTube vids, secondary sources of questionable merit, and drunk pictures of Lindsay Lohan -- another luminary who taught us never to be afraid to ask, "Do you know where I can score some blow around here?".

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