From Ryan Reynolds Face Chairs to Bangkok booze vans, here's a rundown of reasons to be thankful you don't have a significant other.
1. There are breastaurants everywhere.
Even in Odessa, TX, aka Friday Night Lights-ville, there are welcoming establishments where ladies who sometimes dress up as firewomen for calendars say things like "I hope to see you real soon for our awesome hearty man food, ice cold beer and all the sports you can handle. And, of course, because I’m here."
2. America's most innovative minds have dedicated themselves to busting your dry streak.
"Hey, should we write a computer program that would allocate America's water supplies more efficiently so that our western states don't become a desert?" "We could, or we could invent an app that would help this guy Larry have casual sex with whoever happens to come within 50 yards of his iPhone."
3. You can find hot women on the World Wide Web without visiting dirty filthy World Wide Websites.
If you're unlucky enough to have self-esteem, hours and hours of looking at smut could damage it. Instead, spend tonight following this valuable website's lead by "supporting independent craftspeople", i.e., staring at the hot women of Etsy.
4. There is a movie called Zombie Strippers. You can watch it for free right now.
Not burdened by pride? Then enjoy this movie about viruses unleashed by the government, exotic dancers from Nebraska, and other stuff. Don't worry about anyone eating your brains, because you're watching a movie called Zombie Strippers.
5. Ryan Reynolds Face Chair will always be there for you.
An even better conversationalist than Ryan Gosling Face Chair, Ryan Reynolds Face Chair is eager to talk about your favorite scenes from Van Wilder, and ready to send you crashing painfully to the floor the moment you bring up your favorite scenes from The Proposal.
6. We live in an age where can eat your feelings and drown your sorrows at the same time.
Humphry Slocombe -- the San Francisco company responsible for the bourbon & corn flakes "Secret Breakfast" ice cream -- delivers six-packs of pints nationwide. Granted, it's obscenely expensive to have ice cream shipped overnight, but who are you going to spend that money on anyway?
If you're afraid this is just a pun and not a real product, prepare to be relieved.
8. Girlfriends tend not to let you fly halfway around the world to get gored by a bull.
Sometimes they do, but usually they're so up your butt that you don't even have time to read a rad story about some other guy who flew halfway around the world to get gored by a bull.
9. You're still allowed to get erections over cars.
Not over a LeBaron or something, because that would be disturbing, but if you happen to see a Porsche supercar that goes 0-60 faster than a jet and makes other Porsches look like Johnny Knoxville sprinting in The Ringer, it's totally cool if you get an erection and then smile because you know you don't have a girlfriend who doesn't understand that getting an erection over this Porsche is totally different than getting an erection over a LeBaron.
10. Instead of dropping hundreds on dinner, you can stay at home and make Peanut Butter & Bacon Meatloaf Sliders
Or any of the other easy-to-make man-snacks in this incredible snacking guide full of dozens and dozens of man-snacks. Who can count, really -- there are so many man-snacks in this snacking guide.
11. You can't buy love, but you can buy friends...
...by buying Bongzilla. It's 100% happy magic fun time!
12. Girlfriends hate it when you jump up and down screaming "Go to hell, Skip Bayless! Go straight to hell!"
Who knows why, but they do. Sucks for them, because being able to do this every time you ever see, read, or smell Skip Bayless makes your life so much better.
13. You get to drink by yourself whenever you want.
There's nothing more romantic than drinking by yourself. Just ask George Thorogood, who once sang: "I drink alone, yeah with nobody else. I drink alone, yeah with nobody else. Yeah you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself." Even though George Thorogood is from America's most ridiculous state (Delaware), you just can't argue with that logic.
14. You get to take the awesome weird morally questionable Thailand trip instead of the really beautiful Thailand trip.
This dude runs a full bar out of this van he had customized by some Croatian. You can find him around the corner from Cheap Charlie's on Sukhumvit Soi 11. Thank god you don't have a girlfriend to drag you to the beach, because now you guys can totally hang out for the week. If the two of you end up murdering someone, stop by Mulligan's Irish Pub across the street -- there's a defense attorney who hangs out there all the time. He'll actually grill you courtroom-style over scotches, demanding "What did you do, and why did you do it?!" over and over again until you break.
Even if your girlfriend were into Bangkok, she'd make you go to temples, and then when she saw this giant baby she'd say "We should have one of those," and you'd deflect that by joking "Are you sure you could handle that? It's like 500 pounds!" and she'd get angry and then you definitely wouldn't get to hang out with van-bar guy.
Special Bonus Reason:
15. Kuratas is the only friend you need.