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Make your man goo taste like mango

For too long, you've angled for fellatio armed with only nagging, Food-Network bribery, and eventual disappointment in your arsenal. But science has heard your cries, and is now answering them with a new product intended to make a growth industry of oral sex by turning seminal fluid into money shots of chocolate syrup.

Masque oral strips are formulated to neutralize the inherent flavors that make ejaculate evidently taste like football and 50-inch televisions. They come in mango, strawberry, watermelon, and chocolate -- a veritable rainbow of flavor that renders even the pickiest partners excuseless. Now, if only they can come up with a way to mask the way men look, smell, sound, and feel, they could actually put these things to use.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE

Step 1: Have your partner pop a taste-transforming strip in her mouth, letting it dissolve on the tongue.

Step 2: Enjoy 15 minutes of tricking her tongue into thinking it’s happy!

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