Sported by: Nickelback's Chad Kroeger and Guy Fieri (so basically, you know where this is going.)
What it says: You're the type of guy who likes to come home in a late-model Mitsubishi Eclipse you bought when you were in much better physical/financial shape, unclip your phone holster, and flop down to watch Arena Football in your favorite Barca lounger. Also, that our older sister might've dated you when you were very popular in the early '90s.
The goatee-sporting exception: Johnny Depp. Unless you're his doppelganger -- or an actual pirate -- avoid this look.
Sported by: The brothers Gotti, guys trying to emulate Tom Brady's jawline or Pauly D's blowout
What it says: You don't want too much to detract from your oversized diamond stud earrings, sculpted brows, or flawless tan, but still want to look "fresh to death" when you and your boys take the 1 train into the city to go to Pacha.
The irony: This is all to attract women, but most girls hate when you're prettier and wear more expensive earrings than they do.
The exception: Staten Island at large.
Five O'Clock Shadow
Sported by: Bradley Cooper and Colin Farrell (at 10 o'clock in the morning)
What it says: It could be that you're trying to create facial definition where time and too many craft beers have taken their toll on your neck, but more likely it's that you either A) have the hair-growing genes of an alpaca (which makes us wonder what your back must look like), or B) that you share our attitudes on shaving -- it's annoying -- so you too neglect it in short bursts whenever possible.
Sorry, not for dudes with: Patchy, adolescent facial hair, aggressive neck-beards, or red anything.
Twentieth Century Fox
Sported by: Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, Elvis impersonators, people without mirrors
What it says: You're so far past acknowledging what's socially acceptable that you've: Just. Stopped. Trying. Presumably, this means your place has reached hoarder-esque levels of "don't give a f***", too. You might also be in the Hell's Angels.
Definitely try and pull it off if: Your skeleton and hand claws are made from adamantium or other fictional metal alloys.
Sported by: Zach Galifianakis, half the dudes at Thrillist
What it says: That you recognize an opportunity in the relaxed office policies of today and increasingly liberal female grooming preferences enough to give it a shot. And, once you did and your patchy growth fears were put to rest (score!), you decided to go with it.
The verdict: While we like your face enough to not want you to cover half of it up, you're right -- this is usually a win in our book. (Ed note: the Thrillist men in no way attempted to coerce Ms. Sellitti into speaking highly of beards, especially not by standing over her chair as she typed, silently stroking their sweet, casual beards.)
(Just the) tip: For bald men, keep 'em cropped. Unless looking like a character in the game "Guess Who" is what you're going for.
Sported by: Apolo Ohno, Billy Ray Cyrus
What it says: That you genuinely thought it was a good look to have a landing strip on your chin since all the other dudes at the Daughtry concert wearing thumb rings and choker necklaces seemed to pull it off. We'd assume any encounters at your place would involve slow jams and weirdly saggy faux leather couches.
Which means that: We'll pass, thanks.*
Sported by: Tom Selleck and Ron Jeremy
What it says: You're popular with women if you're Tom Selleck in Three Men and A Baby. But you're not Tom Selleck in Three Men and A Baby, are you? ARE YOU?!!?**
Handlebar, Horseshoe, or Other Deliberately Coiffed 'Staches
Sported by: Dudes into urban farming who play the banjo, Brooklynites, Mumford & Sons, Hulk Hogan (in a non-ironic way)
What it says: If your facial hair's an Internet meme/finger tattoo/novelty mug logo, you should be able to answer the question of whether or not it's OK on your own.
*Seriously, cut that sh*t out.
** No. No, you're not.