Warm weather is peak migratory season for all species of douche as they flock towards beaches, lakes, and suspiciously warm pools. Here’s how to properly classify the d-bags you’ll encounter this Summer.
Species: The Zinc-Nosed Boat Dweller
How to spot him: The blue-mirrored Costa Del Mar shades and Billabong neon board shorts are a dead giveaway for the seasoned douchespotter. Occasional body-distinguishing features may include a Monster energy drink visor or t-shirt from a six year-old music festival that he didn't even go to.
Native habitat: A hybrid of the lake dweller and the beach townie, this species rarely migrates far from its local nesting place, but can typically be spotted at the marina post-gassing up his ride and smoking something that kind of looks like a cigarillo.
Mating call: “I know this great spot 'bout a league down where you can pull right up to the beach and beer bust without the fuzz hassling you if you’re interested.”
Species: The North American Bro Douche
How to spot him: Proudly donning a faded college athletics or frat lettered shirt, this species is at least five years past leaving his collegiate nest but has yet to relinquish his hockey-slash-lacrosse glory days. Distinguishing lower body characteristics include mesh shorts, shamrock ankle tats, and worn out Rainbow flips.
Native habitat: Frequently found in pack formation anywhere beer pong is played or at his buddy's bar, where all the "smokeshows" hang out.
*Sometimes referred to by its alternate taxonomy, “Fratosae Antiquis”
Species: The This-Isn’t-Monaco Douche
How to spot him: His white linen, four-buttons-open shirt makes this douche easily identifiable. The hands and feet of this species are impeccably manicured, while its darkened skin perfectly matches the saddle leather interior of his convertible ride. Common accessories include Italian driving loafers and a severe-looking member of the female species not originally from America riding shotgun.
Native habitat: A cold-blooded, Southern migratory douche, he generally prefers Miami -- where his plumage can stay tan year-round.
Species: The White-Bodied Mustachioed Douche
How to spot him: This rarely found in the wild species is much more elusive, often shunning places where other species congregate and “ruin the vibe”. Typically clad in knee-length cut-off skinny denim and striped tanks, this creature has been known to carry bags made from environmentally sustainable material and fly in a loose and disaffected “H” formation.
Native habitat: Anywhere where lots of buffalo plaid is welcome -- or where organic, farm-to-table food is consumed. Though frankly, according to this species, both of those things are "way over". Sigh.
Subspecies include: the Brooklyn Douche, the Portland Douche, the Austin Douche, the Mission Douche.
Species: The Privileged Douche
How to spot him: He'll be donning Nantucket reds -- Murray’s only, because Vineyard Vines are for poor people -- a whale belt, a red Mount Gay Rum hat from Figawi 1998 ("before it got corporate") and Croakies emblazoned with the name of his favorite yacht club in the BVI.
Native habitat: Anyplace they can find females wearing pearls, blouses, or Lilly Pullitzer to mate with -- see: lobster bakes, country clubs, NESCAC school reunions, Connecticut.
Will probably be talking about: Squash. Or Hedge funds. Or the diminishing quality of horses available at the Greenwich Polo Club.
Species: The Shore(club) Douche
How to spot him: Wearing a tight, embellished T-shirt that looks like it’s intended to fit the surgically enhanced girl fist pumping next to him. His eyebrows will be more manicured than hers, too. This species of douche typically foregoes the beach in favor of poolside bottle service whenever possible and won’t migrate to any areas unless they’re instantly recognizable by their single-word name.
Native habitat: Anywhere where his “boy” works the door or he can score VIP -- or Vegas. He will always go to Vegas.
Notable body markings: Tribal armband tattoos or ethnic flags.
Species: The Broad-Breasted Muscleback
How to spot him: Experienced douchespotters will isolate this species by its most telltale physical characteristic -- inflated lat syndrome (often accompanied by traps that’ve swallowed up his neck.) This douche may be short in stature and -- if he’s wearing a shirt at all -- it’ll be lacking sleeves and sides of any kind. So will the ones on the two other members of his pack with him at all times, who also do everything eerily slowly.
Native habitat: The gym, but after he’s done getting his swole on, he’ll head to the bar.
Fun fact: He may appear to be drinking, but further inspection of that red solo cup he’s clutching reveals that it’s actually full of diet soda and GHB.