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Don't be a b*tch, or anyone else's

Everyone wants a killer body, but nobody's willing to actually kill someone to get it. Wait, what? Oh right, that's, like, every jacked prisoner ever. But much like you, the incarcerated refuse to get raped...by expensive gym fees! have a surprisingly short window during which to work out, so get the hard body of hard time by picking up Felon Fitness, a workout tome written in consultation with real-life prisoners. Getting in shanking shape means learning:

How to make a prison weight: Because it's about time that dumbbells start living up their name, a picture-heavy breakdown will show you how to wrap your stacks of Us Weekly in strips of a bed sheet, then create a handle using more of the same.

Unique training maneuvers: Broken down by body part, you'll learn stuff like brutal, one-legged "pistol" squats that seriously test your balance, core-strengthening mountain climbers that develop aerobic capacity ("what the inmates call 'wind'"!), and tricep-busting back arm presses prisoners often "perform on the toilet", though if you get truly jacked, you won't have to take no crap.

Real-life routines: From the ins-and-outs of 30-to-lifer J. Pinedo's six-day regimen (credited with helping him fend off knife-wielding blockmates), to the 3x-a-week program of sports-loving Anthony Sarmiento, who says "Before prison I was skinny, [and]...only able to do 20 push-ups; now I do 50-60", coincidentally a sentence that could get a man a killer body, or at least the body of an embezzler who's spent five decades in prison.

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