Entertainment A damn hard race

Accomplishing something difficult that not a lot of other people have done can be extremely satisfying, especially because you also get that free shirt that says, "I Banged Carrot Top". For a task almost as monumentally challenging, check out Warrior Dash.

Taking reservations right now for its SoCal competition in early April, Warrior Dash is an insanely hard-core race through 3.08 "hellish" miles of jumping/crawling/mudding, followed by a post-race bacchanal with the winners determined by a shoelace-embedded chip, which will no doubt help you get Lay'd. LA's madness takes place around Lake Elsinore, where you'll have to do things ranging from scrambling through an obstacle-laden junkyard, to burrowing through pitch-black tunnels, to leaping over actual flames, to making your way underneath barbed wire, which should be easier now that Pam Anderson got that boob reduction. Once finished, there's a monstrous afterparty with live music and crazy-caveman shenanigans (potentially including axe-throwing, boulder-tossing, etc.), with each racer also getting a banana, a bottle of water, and a ticket for a beer, which, if shared with Pam Anderson, might also give you a ticket to ride.

The winners in each age range get a steel warrior helmet trophy, with each registrant that makes it to the awards ceremony taking home a viking helmet and a gratis tee, though this one won't be quite as prestigious.