Of all your hazy college memories, spring break's the one you can't quite recall most fondly. Bringing Spring Break to Chicago, Uncle Fatty's Rum Resort.

Fatty's is a Tiki-themed jackass's paradise replete with an enormous sandbox, surfboards, private cabanas, shuffleboard, palm trees, & loads of bamboo, but no food, as that'd impede the bar's raison d'etre. Paths to drunk include 15+ beers, available in iced-down coolers by the 12, 24, and 30; and specialty cocktails like the Porch Crawler, Pink Monkey Punch, and Ocean Potion, which come garnished with Gummy fauna and can be had in 60oz rectangular "fishtanks" (like the traditional fishbowl, but you can poke your eye out with it). Fatty's is also catering to the broke at heart with scads of daily specials: Wed means $5 bombs; Thu's $2 dom cans/$3 fruit shots/$5 frozen drinks; Fri's $1 drafts/$10 'tanks; and Sat's $10 custom drink pitchers -- Sun-Tue there's a special on "closed", to allow your organs to recuperate.

To celebrate tomorrow's opening, Fatty's is throwing a Tres de Mayo bash starting at noon, with a flip-cup tourney and $10 Bud Light buckets & marg pitchers 'til 3am. Unfortunately, they're currently planning on shuttering the place at summer's end -- but don't be sad, as you'll still have vague-suspicions-that-something-awful-happened that'll last a lifetime.

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Check Uncle Fatty's booze menu here