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  • 01
    Did you know that Minneapolis isn't the only Midwestern city with beautiful waterfront property? Do you need to lie down after hearing that mind-blowing news? Preferably near a beautiful waterfront? Then book yourself a stay at Chitown's just-opened Hotel Lincoln, a mod, boutique lodging overlooking Lake Michigan. The result of a complete renovation to a residential space that formerly hosted peeps of note David Mamet and Buckminster Fuller, it's now ready to host you (... of note?) as you enjoy its:

    Rooms: The 187 apartment-like rooms range from studios to suites, have views of the lake or the downtown skyline, offer daily-changing room service menus created by Chef Paul Virant, and rock angular, red mirrors "inspired by inventor Buckminster Fuller", who, when not creating the Dymaxion map to project Earth's continents on a polyhedron and thus better avoid distortion, apparently liked to watch himself get freakayyyyyy!

    Amenities: There's a fitness area, a biz center called "The Study", a comp wine hour Sun-Thur, a coffee shop, and the upscale eatery Perennial Virant, which slings seasonally inspired entrees from a dining space described as "farmhouse posh", also her original characterization before the Spice Girls settled on "stuck-up twat".

    Cute Stuff: The Lincoln's also got no shortage of flair, whether it's a front desk built out of vintage dresser drawers, or pet fish named Abe and Mary Todd, because really, it's the little things... unless you're talking about the lake it's on, which again, is quite large.
    More on Chicago wants you inside it
    • About

      Did you know that Minneapolis isn't the only Midwestern city with beautiful waterfront property? Do you need to lie down after hearing that mind-blowing news? Preferably near a beautiful waterfront? Then book yourself a stay at Chitown's just-opened Hotel Lincoln, a mod, boutique lodging overlooking Lake Michigan. The result of a complete renovation to a residential space that formerly hosted peeps of note David Mamet and Buckminster Fuller, it's now ready to host you (... of note?) as you enjoy its:

      Rooms: The 187 apartment-like rooms range from studios to suites, have views of the lake or the downtown skyline, offer daily-changing room service menus created by Chef Paul Virant, and rock angular, red mirrors "inspired by inventor Buckminster Fuller", who, when not creating the Dymaxion map to project Earth's continents on a polyhedron and thus better avoid distortion, apparently liked to watch himself get freakayyyyyy!

      Amenities: There's a fitness area, a biz center called "The Study", a comp wine hour Sun-Thur, a coffee shop, and the upscale eatery Perennial Virant, which slings seasonally inspired entrees from a dining space described as "farmhouse posh", also her original characterization before the Spice Girls settled on "stuck-up twat".

      Cute Stuff: The Lincoln's also got no shortage of flair, whether it's a front desk built out of vintage dresser drawers, or pet fish named Abe and Mary Todd, because really, it's the little things... unless you're talking about the lake it's on, which again, is quite large.
    • Venue Info

  • 02
    When searching for where to stay on your trip, it's hard to know who to trust, and which places just have undeserved bad raps, whether it's a hotel, a motel, or a Holiday Inn. So why not just pay a truckload of cash instead, and stay at a place that's certified pimp by Portico.

    A just-launched, Mile High-based "luxury destination club", Portico offers members seriously reduced rates at 150 hand-picked private homes and hotels spanning 50 destinations. They're now offering charter memberships at 50% off, which is also where your socks will be knocked when you check out the pics of some of their jaw-dropping gems:

    Los Cabos, Mexico: Just take a moment and soak that in. Nice, right? This is at the Esperanza resort, where a gigantic patio and spa (rated super high by Travel & Leisure) will help you release the stress of a day spent frolicking on nearby beaches.

    Puerto Vallarta, Mexico: Can you see yourself here? Well you shouldn't be able to, creep: it's an uber-private three-bedroom residence in the Real del Mar development that's limited to less than 50 houses total. Should you fork over the quiche though, you'll get access to a private beach club and stunning views of Banderas Bay.

    Sonoma, California: This private four-bedroom house is set on 80 acres of hills & vineyards, and it includes an outdoor pool & hot tub, a fire pit, and "convenient access to wine country", not to be confused with whine country, aka what you normally find searching for hotels on the Internet.
    More on The world's hotels at your fingertips, if you're rich
    • About

      When searching for where to stay on your trip, it's hard to know who to trust, and which places just have undeserved bad raps, whether it's a hotel, a motel, or a Holiday Inn. So why not just pay a truckload of cash instead, and stay at a place that's certified pimp by Portico.

      A just-launched, Mile High-based "luxury destination club", Portico offers members seriously reduced rates at 150 hand-picked private homes and hotels spanning 50 destinations. They're now offering charter memberships at 50% off, which is also where your socks will be knocked when you check out the pics of some of their jaw-dropping gems:

      Los Cabos, Mexico: Just take a moment and soak that in. Nice, right? This is at the Esperanza resort, where a gigantic patio and spa (rated super high by Travel & Leisure) will help you release the stress of a day spent frolicking on nearby beaches.

      Puerto Vallarta, Mexico: Can you see yourself here? Well you shouldn't be able to, creep: it's an uber-private three-bedroom residence in the Real del Mar development that's limited to less than 50 houses total. Should you fork over the quiche though, you'll get access to a private beach club and stunning views of Banderas Bay.

      Sonoma, California: This private four-bedroom house is set on 80 acres of hills & vineyards, and it includes an outdoor pool & hot tub, a fire pit, and "convenient access to wine country", not to be confused with whine country, aka what you normally find searching for hotels on the Internet.
    • Venue Info

  • 03
    Designed by San Diego architect Jose Garcia, “luxury camping hotel” Endemico Resguardo Silvestre goes above and beyond most normal camping hotels that merely offer you a tarp and several hair-raising stories about the origin of Bloody Mary. How they do it: the property sits on a 40-acre winery high above Guadalupe Valley (about an hour and a half south of SD) and consists of 20, 215sqft steel “EcoLofts” (each stuffed with a king-size bed) that're are so green they're built off-site and then placed on stilts in an attempt to have even less impact on their knees the environment. For a good time, call that number you found scribbled on the wall in the restroom. For an even better time, stick to this itinerary: Morning: Go back to sleep, child. You're on vacation. Later Morning: Get the adrenaline pumping and possibly see that pig from the Geico commercial by hitting Las Canadas for a 2mi-long zip line canopy tour. Or, if you prefer your Baja with a hefty side of shred, cruise a couple of miles up the coast from the Highway 3 turn-off to the ever-consistent point break at San Miguel, or get all Gerard Butler and hitch a boat ride out to the waves of Todos Santos/ Killers, though they recommend you pay the captain half before, half on return so he doesn't leave you (um, seriously). Afternoon: Soak your bones in the infinity-edge pool/ spa cut into the edge of the mountain while telling anecdotes about almost getting ditched at Todos Santos, then hit up any number of wineries (like maybe the one you're sleeping on?) in the region, as it accounts for 90% of Mexico's wine production. This includes celebrated grape stompers like Casa de Piedra and La Escuelita, where, if you so desire, the winemaker'll actually teach you his craft. Evening: After your appetite is wetted/whetted, drag yourself over to the restaurant for all-local fare like beer-battered Ensenada fish tacos and parmesan-smothered Chocolata clams au gratin prepared by the kind folks of the Culinary Art School of Tijuana, whose location suggests they probably have a few hair-raising tales of their own.
    More on Embrace our southern neighbor's sun, surf, and sippables
    • About

      Designed by San Diego architect Jose Garcia, “luxury camping hotel” Endemico Resguardo Silvestre goes above and beyond most normal camping hotels that merely offer you a tarp and several hair-raising stories about the origin of Bloody Mary. How they do it: the property sits on a 40-acre winery high above Guadalupe Valley (about an hour and a half south of SD) and consists of 20, 215sqft steel “EcoLofts” (each stuffed with a king-size bed) that're are so green they're built off-site and then placed on stilts in an attempt to have even less impact on their knees the environment. For a good time, call that number you found scribbled on the wall in the restroom. For an even better time, stick to this itinerary: Morning: Go back to sleep, child. You're on vacation. Later Morning: Get the adrenaline pumping and possibly see that pig from the Geico commercial by hitting Las Canadas for a 2mi-long zip line canopy tour. Or, if you prefer your Baja with a hefty side of shred, cruise a couple of miles up the coast from the Highway 3 turn-off to the ever-consistent point break at San Miguel, or get all Gerard Butler and hitch a boat ride out to the waves of Todos Santos/ Killers, though they recommend you pay the captain half before, half on return so he doesn't leave you (um, seriously). Afternoon: Soak your bones in the infinity-edge pool/ spa cut into the edge of the mountain while telling anecdotes about almost getting ditched at Todos Santos, then hit up any number of wineries (like maybe the one you're sleeping on?) in the region, as it accounts for 90% of Mexico's wine production. This includes celebrated grape stompers like Casa de Piedra and La Escuelita, where, if you so desire, the winemaker'll actually teach you his craft. Evening: After your appetite is wetted/whetted, drag yourself over to the restaurant for all-local fare like beer-battered Ensenada fish tacos and parmesan-smothered Chocolata clams au gratin prepared by the kind folks of the Culinary Art School of Tijuana, whose location suggests they probably have a few hair-raising tales of their own.
    • Venue Info

  • 04
    Since the heroes of the Alamo clearly fought so that one day you'd have the freedom to spaz out to some German band called Talking to Turtles, pay them back by heading to the newly opened Hotel Éilan. The Tuscan-inspired enclave boasts cuisine from Dallas celebrity-chef Stephan Pyles, and rests on 120 acres of Hill Country not currently alive with the sound of music/whatever the Turtles say in response.



    Amenities include two pools (indoor for laps, outdoor w/ swim-up bar), a spa with two Turkish Razul (Ra-Zuul? Some horrifying merging of the Egyptian sun god and the Gatekeeper of Gozer? Your soul is toast!) mud rooms, platforms for Thai mat and Ashiatsu massages, a 10000sqft fitness area, and a golf simulation room where you're encouraged to get your Tiger on, and pull out your Wood if you fall short of the simulated ladies' tee.



    The resto (Sustenio) -- which actually offers farm-to-room service -- features touches like a ceviche bar and wine tower, and upscale mod-S'western gluttony like Bacon-Wrapped Devine Wild Boar Loin (w/ sweet potato-candied ginger tamales & pickled blackberries), Sous Vide Texas Venison Loin sided by yucca-huitlacoche hash, and Coriander-Cured Rack of Lamb w/ Ecuadorian potato cake, tomatillo green beans, and cranberry mojo, which is weird, because Jim Morrison was famous for not lingering.

    For in-food-tainment, they've also got a private dining room featuring an exhibition kitchen, so you can storm the chefs' redoubt, and they'll have absolutely nowhere to retreat to.
    More on A luxury escape to San Antone
    • About

      Since the heroes of the Alamo clearly fought so that one day you'd have the freedom to spaz out to some German band called Talking to Turtles, pay them back by heading to the newly opened Hotel Éilan. The Tuscan-inspired enclave boasts cuisine from Dallas celebrity-chef Stephan Pyles, and rests on 120 acres of Hill Country not currently alive with the sound of music/whatever the Turtles say in response.



      Amenities include two pools (indoor for laps, outdoor w/ swim-up bar), a spa with two Turkish Razul (Ra-Zuul? Some horrifying merging of the Egyptian sun god and the Gatekeeper of Gozer? Your soul is toast!) mud rooms, platforms for Thai mat and Ashiatsu massages, a 10000sqft fitness area, and a golf simulation room where you're encouraged to get your Tiger on, and pull out your Wood if you fall short of the simulated ladies' tee.



      The resto (Sustenio) -- which actually offers farm-to-room service -- features touches like a ceviche bar and wine tower, and upscale mod-S'western gluttony like Bacon-Wrapped Devine Wild Boar Loin (w/ sweet potato-candied ginger tamales & pickled blackberries), Sous Vide Texas Venison Loin sided by yucca-huitlacoche hash, and Coriander-Cured Rack of Lamb w/ Ecuadorian potato cake, tomatillo green beans, and cranberry mojo, which is weird, because Jim Morrison was famous for not lingering.

      For in-food-tainment, they've also got a private dining room featuring an exhibition kitchen, so you can storm the chefs' redoubt, and they'll have absolutely nowhere to retreat to.
    • Venue Info

  • 05
    The best way to learn something is to watch the pros do it, or at least that's what you'll have to tell your girlfriend if you keep forgetting to clear your browser history. For an up-close-and-personal chance to see pros skillfully use other types of poles, check out EpicQuest's just-launched Guest Host Program.

    Already offering heli-ski/snowboard tours, Girdwood-based EpicQuest is now also giving you a chance to carve up the Chugach Mountains in Alaska (which've been dusted with over 500in of powder this season) with help from industry pros whose resumes are studded w/ X-Games medals, mag appearances, and even awards for "Line of the Year" (likely first won in 1991 by The Dinosaurs's Baby Sinclair for "Not the mama"). EQ's packages include a stay at The Hotel Alyeska, lunch on fly days, etc... plus tons of on-/off-slope opportunities to interact with a guest pro, who this spring include skiers like X-Games medalist Zach Crist, and TV-host/model/Junior Olympic champion Lynsey Dyer, whose myriad awards include winning "Powder's Film Segment of The Year" in a huge upset over the part where he makes Harley feel the pain and fear of the dying, ensuring he never takes another life.

    If their standard packages are too long (!), EQ also has single-day trips that're sans accommodation but do guarantee five to eight runs on 16000-20000 vertical feet, plus they'll even tow you into their private terrain on days when the helicopter, like your effort to sex your girlfriend after her online discovery, is going nowhere.
    More on This girl wants to take you skiing in Alaska
    • About

      The best way to learn something is to watch the pros do it, or at least that's what you'll have to tell your girlfriend if you keep forgetting to clear your browser history. For an up-close-and-personal chance to see pros skillfully use other types of poles, check out EpicQuest's just-launched Guest Host Program.

      Already offering heli-ski/snowboard tours, Girdwood-based EpicQuest is now also giving you a chance to carve up the Chugach Mountains in Alaska (which've been dusted with over 500in of powder this season) with help from industry pros whose resumes are studded w/ X-Games medals, mag appearances, and even awards for "Line of the Year" (likely first won in 1991 by The Dinosaurs's Baby Sinclair for "Not the mama"). EQ's packages include a stay at The Hotel Alyeska, lunch on fly days, etc... plus tons of on-/off-slope opportunities to interact with a guest pro, who this spring include skiers like X-Games medalist Zach Crist, and TV-host/model/Junior Olympic champion Lynsey Dyer, whose myriad awards include winning "Powder's Film Segment of The Year" in a huge upset over the part where he makes Harley feel the pain and fear of the dying, ensuring he never takes another life.

      If their standard packages are too long (!), EQ also has single-day trips that're sans accommodation but do guarantee five to eight runs on 16000-20000 vertical feet, plus they'll even tow you into their private terrain on days when the helicopter, like your effort to sex your girlfriend after her online discovery, is going nowhere.
    • Venue Info

  • 06
    Now that you can finally fly direct from Dallas to Brisbane, head to Kuri Bay, a tiny, picturesque resort on the northern Australian coast being opened April 1st by getaway specialists Wild Bush Luxury, which, before they ran into the penal buzz-saw that is Chuy's, perfectly described Jenna and Barbara. From Brisbane you'll take a quick seaplane to "the remotest region of the remotest, emptiest continent (apart from Antarctica!)", where you'll stay in one of just five "Verandah" rooms, chow down on all-included meals, booze at the open bar, and do stuff like:

    Tours and Activities: Sunset cruises. Excursions to Sampson Inlet, Entrance Island, Montgomery Reef (Oz's largest inshore variety, where the tide "recedes so fast it creates cascading waterfalls"), and "possibly the biggest humpback whale-calving grounds in the world" (over 1000 goddamn whales). You can also catch a plane for a "coastal air safari", or have an Aboriginal guide show you some of the world's oldest cave art, which, despite being created before the invention of humor, is still funnier than B.C.

    Fish & Wildlife: Hop aboard a high-tech "Hunter Prowler" purchased from Aussie adventure-reality show ET, then venture out to spot or possibly catch (depending on whether the species is endangered/too cute) loggerhead, flatback, olive ridley & leatherback turtles, dugong, crocodiles, rays, sea snakes, bottlenose, Indo-Pacific & snubfin dolphins, barramundi, mangrove Jack, threadfin salmon, giant trevally, tuna, queenfish, and sharks, which hopefully won't get too Chuy.

    More on Head to Oz. Not the prison.
    • About

      Now that you can finally fly direct from Dallas to Brisbane, head to Kuri Bay, a tiny, picturesque resort on the northern Australian coast being opened April 1st by getaway specialists Wild Bush Luxury, which, before they ran into the penal buzz-saw that is Chuy's, perfectly described Jenna and Barbara. From Brisbane you'll take a quick seaplane to "the remotest region of the remotest, emptiest continent (apart from Antarctica!)", where you'll stay in one of just five "Verandah" rooms, chow down on all-included meals, booze at the open bar, and do stuff like:

      Tours and Activities: Sunset cruises. Excursions to Sampson Inlet, Entrance Island, Montgomery Reef (Oz's largest inshore variety, where the tide "recedes so fast it creates cascading waterfalls"), and "possibly the biggest humpback whale-calving grounds in the world" (over 1000 goddamn whales). You can also catch a plane for a "coastal air safari", or have an Aboriginal guide show you some of the world's oldest cave art, which, despite being created before the invention of humor, is still funnier than B.C.

      Fish & Wildlife: Hop aboard a high-tech "Hunter Prowler" purchased from Aussie adventure-reality show ET, then venture out to spot or possibly catch (depending on whether the species is endangered/too cute) loggerhead, flatback, olive ridley & leatherback turtles, dugong, crocodiles, rays, sea snakes, bottlenose, Indo-Pacific & snubfin dolphins, barramundi, mangrove Jack, threadfin salmon, giant trevally, tuna, queenfish, and sharks, which hopefully won't get too Chuy.

    • Venue Info

  • 07
    Vacations're responsible for most of the stories you tell folks at home, from that time you swam with dolphins in Belize, to that time you went to an abandoned theme park and shot John Candy in the ass. For another vacation experience worth Chase-ing, check out Miami's new tri-glass-towered St. Regis on Bal Harbour beach.

    And before you brazenly shout "but, what'll it be like to bring my talents to near-South Beach?!?", check yourself and this sample itinerary, complete with pre-embellished stories to bring back:

    What you'll say you did: Sprang out of your Egyptian cotton-wrapped king-sized bed to take in the sun from your private, ocean-facing balcony. What you'll actually do: Stay in bed, look at the ocean from your wall of floor-to-ceiling windows, then watch Bad Boys on the monster flatscreen setup across the bed. It is, as the film displays, too dangerous to go outside.

    What you'll say you did: Enjoyed every inch of the 13000sqft spa, taking full advantage of the massage/facial/bath Couples Suite, scoring hits of oxygen at the O2 counter, and relaxing in the sauna or hot tubs. What you'll actually do: In-room massages, then a long shower or bath in the marble-wrapped, five-piece bathroom, before watching Bad Boys II and reaffirming why you're not going outside.

    What you'll say you did: Relaxed in the waters of the ocean-front, tranquility, and adults-only pools, before diving into the salty Atlantic, which you accessed through their private beach. What you'll actually do: Glance at the water from a private cabana, outfitted with another TV, a mini-bar, a fridge, and WiFi, which you'll use to check IMDB for news on Bad Boys III.

    What you'll say you did: Used their 24hr butler service to finagle entry into the hottest Miami restaurants and clubs, then partied the night away. What you'll actually do: Stay on-site, sipping from 2500+ vintage bottles in their Wine Vault before going back to your suite for in-room dining from Jean-Georges' J&G Grill like black truffle pizza & apple-jalapeno pureed soy-glazed shorts, which you'll be wise to wear considering this is easily one of the sunniest places in the (Walley) World.
    More on Wine vaults, adults-only pools & cabanas with mini-bars
    • About

      Vacations're responsible for most of the stories you tell folks at home, from that time you swam with dolphins in Belize, to that time you went to an abandoned theme park and shot John Candy in the ass. For another vacation experience worth Chase-ing, check out Miami's new tri-glass-towered St. Regis on Bal Harbour beach.

      And before you brazenly shout "but, what'll it be like to bring my talents to near-South Beach?!?", check yourself and this sample itinerary, complete with pre-embellished stories to bring back:

      What you'll say you did: Sprang out of your Egyptian cotton-wrapped king-sized bed to take in the sun from your private, ocean-facing balcony. What you'll actually do: Stay in bed, look at the ocean from your wall of floor-to-ceiling windows, then watch Bad Boys on the monster flatscreen setup across the bed. It is, as the film displays, too dangerous to go outside.

      What you'll say you did: Enjoyed every inch of the 13000sqft spa, taking full advantage of the massage/facial/bath Couples Suite, scoring hits of oxygen at the O2 counter, and relaxing in the sauna or hot tubs. What you'll actually do: In-room massages, then a long shower or bath in the marble-wrapped, five-piece bathroom, before watching Bad Boys II and reaffirming why you're not going outside.

      What you'll say you did: Relaxed in the waters of the ocean-front, tranquility, and adults-only pools, before diving into the salty Atlantic, which you accessed through their private beach. What you'll actually do: Glance at the water from a private cabana, outfitted with another TV, a mini-bar, a fridge, and WiFi, which you'll use to check IMDB for news on Bad Boys III.

      What you'll say you did: Used their 24hr butler service to finagle entry into the hottest Miami restaurants and clubs, then partied the night away. What you'll actually do: Stay on-site, sipping from 2500+ vintage bottles in their Wine Vault before going back to your suite for in-room dining from Jean-Georges' J&G Grill like black truffle pizza & apple-jalapeno pureed soy-glazed shorts, which you'll be wise to wear considering this is easily one of the sunniest places in the (Walley) World.
    • Venue Info

  • 08
    Because Notting Hill is just for Welshmen wearing novelty tees Hugh Grant doesn't think are funny, hit even hipper Belgravia instead, and stay at the just-opened Belgraves. The first international boutique from Thompson Hotels, this swanky 85-roomer features an artsy fireplace-warmed lobby, library bar, and even a signature cigar garden, all while "blending traditional British hospitality with an American bohemian attitude", so expect tea and crumpets served out of a saxophone while it's being played by a dude in a scarf.

    And once you're done with that, enjoy:

    Your Bedchamber Dude-comfortable, muted-toned rooms come replete with cowhide rugs, leather chairs, 400-thread-count custom linens, and even romantic amenities for that special evening alone like Rococo chocolates and Coco De Mer intimacy boxes, which contain among other things, unique lotions/ massage oils, and a blindfold, in case things take a flirty, kidnappy turn.

    Places To Get Pissed, Which Is Apparently What They Call Drinking The mezzanine level'd Mark's Bar mixes crafty Old World cocktails like the rye whiskey & blood orange Ward 8 reportedly created to "bribe the electorate"; the Angel Face (cider/ apricot brandy & gin); and the rich and smoky Monstrous Blood and Sand blended with whiskey from Compass Box Peat Monster.

    Places To Eat, For Which They Have No Other Word Thankfully inspired by the chef's worldly travels and not his English heritage, burly ocean-to-farm fare at the 80-seat Hix Belgravia boasts a rack of Glencoe red deer w/ sweet & sour cherries, and king scallop & mustard-baked ham hock w/ yellow split & mushy peas, who must've just watched the scene where Julia Roberts claims to be just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
    More on Shall we adjourn to the cigar garden?
    • About

      Because Notting Hill is just for Welshmen wearing novelty tees Hugh Grant doesn't think are funny, hit even hipper Belgravia instead, and stay at the just-opened Belgraves. The first international boutique from Thompson Hotels, this swanky 85-roomer features an artsy fireplace-warmed lobby, library bar, and even a signature cigar garden, all while "blending traditional British hospitality with an American bohemian attitude", so expect tea and crumpets served out of a saxophone while it's being played by a dude in a scarf.

      And once you're done with that, enjoy:

      Your Bedchamber Dude-comfortable, muted-toned rooms come replete with cowhide rugs, leather chairs, 400-thread-count custom linens, and even romantic amenities for that special evening alone like Rococo chocolates and Coco De Mer intimacy boxes, which contain among other things, unique lotions/ massage oils, and a blindfold, in case things take a flirty, kidnappy turn.

      Places To Get Pissed, Which Is Apparently What They Call Drinking The mezzanine level'd Mark's Bar mixes crafty Old World cocktails like the rye whiskey & blood orange Ward 8 reportedly created to "bribe the electorate"; the Angel Face (cider/ apricot brandy & gin); and the rich and smoky Monstrous Blood and Sand blended with whiskey from Compass Box Peat Monster.

      Places To Eat, For Which They Have No Other Word Thankfully inspired by the chef's worldly travels and not his English heritage, burly ocean-to-farm fare at the 80-seat Hix Belgravia boasts a rack of Glencoe red deer w/ sweet & sour cherries, and king scallop & mustard-baked ham hock w/ yellow split & mushy peas, who must've just watched the scene where Julia Roberts claims to be just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
    • Venue Info

  • 09
    Vacations can pose difficult choices, whether choosing between the serenity of nature and the energy of a major city, or skinny-dipping with Christie Brinkley versus not upsetting a still-kinda-hot Beverly D'Angelo. Solving the first dilemma because Beverly solved the second one by getting old: Inn at the Presidio.

    The first hotel to open within the Presidio, the Inn's situated on 1400+ acres of forested greenery at the tip of the San Francisco peninsula, originally a Spanish military outpost dating back to 1776, when folks were oddly busy trying to rid America of English speakers. The building itself dates back to 1903 (built as US military officers' quarters), but it's been made over to meet riot-preventing LEED certification standards, and boasts fireplace-appointed rooms decked with historical photography, and a city-escaping, tree-canopied back deck where gratis nightly wine & cheese can be enjoyed by the fire pit. Also at your disposal are 24mi of hiking/biking trails w/ shoreline views, a golf course that was once a private club for military brass, and a trampoline park in an old airplane hangar, perfect for Derrick Rose-impersonating vicious dunks, followed by Stephen Curry-impersonating vicious ankle injuries.

    If repeated bouncing isn't quite enough action for you, you're just a stumble away from the Marina District, loaded with restaurants, nightlife, and, somewhat improbably, the city's hottest chicks, which'll have you saying "This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy!".
    More on Crash in a San Fran national park
    • About

      Vacations can pose difficult choices, whether choosing between the serenity of nature and the energy of a major city, or skinny-dipping with Christie Brinkley versus not upsetting a still-kinda-hot Beverly D'Angelo. Solving the first dilemma because Beverly solved the second one by getting old: Inn at the Presidio.

      The first hotel to open within the Presidio, the Inn's situated on 1400+ acres of forested greenery at the tip of the San Francisco peninsula, originally a Spanish military outpost dating back to 1776, when folks were oddly busy trying to rid America of English speakers. The building itself dates back to 1903 (built as US military officers' quarters), but it's been made over to meet riot-preventing LEED certification standards, and boasts fireplace-appointed rooms decked with historical photography, and a city-escaping, tree-canopied back deck where gratis nightly wine & cheese can be enjoyed by the fire pit. Also at your disposal are 24mi of hiking/biking trails w/ shoreline views, a golf course that was once a private club for military brass, and a trampoline park in an old airplane hangar, perfect for Derrick Rose-impersonating vicious dunks, followed by Stephen Curry-impersonating vicious ankle injuries.

      If repeated bouncing isn't quite enough action for you, you're just a stumble away from the Marina District, loaded with restaurants, nightlife, and, somewhat improbably, the city's hottest chicks, which'll have you saying "This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy!".
    • Venue Info

  • 10
    Because Red October's like, 8mos away, hunt for something else while you wait with Bitterwater Outfitters, a totally legit, 3hrs-north-of-LA, 85000-acre ranch that leads crazy-ass gun-toting trips that can last anywhere from 16hrs to three days, and -- unlike Law & Order -- all end with a guaranteed kill.

    Making it happen's surprisingly doable: just give 'em a call and ask for Clayton, who'll walk you through the licensing process (if applicable) and find out what you want to shoot, whether it's bighorn sheep, bison, water buffalo, wild pigs, squirrels, birds, or -- if you really want things to get Ugly -- coyotes. The excursion's either by foot, truck, or ATV, with Bitterwater providing plenty of ammo and guns (like 50mms and AK-47s) that you can pre-fire at a practice shooting range and fishing pond, where you'll end little lives just for the halibut.

    In addition, if you bag something edible, they'll ship it to a nearby butchery free of charge as long as you promise to get it home, with or without Sean Connery's cooperation.
    More on Hunt for water buffalo in Paso Robles. Oh, and also mountain goats.
    • About

      Because Red October's like, 8mos away, hunt for something else while you wait with Bitterwater Outfitters, a totally legit, 3hrs-north-of-LA, 85000-acre ranch that leads crazy-ass gun-toting trips that can last anywhere from 16hrs to three days, and -- unlike Law & Order -- all end with a guaranteed kill.

      Making it happen's surprisingly doable: just give 'em a call and ask for Clayton, who'll walk you through the licensing process (if applicable) and find out what you want to shoot, whether it's bighorn sheep, bison, water buffalo, wild pigs, squirrels, birds, or -- if you really want things to get Ugly -- coyotes. The excursion's either by foot, truck, or ATV, with Bitterwater providing plenty of ammo and guns (like 50mms and AK-47s) that you can pre-fire at a practice shooting range and fishing pond, where you'll end little lives just for the halibut.

      In addition, if you bag something edible, they'll ship it to a nearby butchery free of charge as long as you promise to get it home, with or without Sean Connery's cooperation.
    • Venue Info

  • 11
    To "explore the sea in a way never done before," hitch this carbon fiber (optionally fiberglass) board to a boat tow (you do have a boat, right? 'Cause nobody's ever done anything that hasn't been done before without a boat...) and use the dual swiveling panels to effortlessly twist, turn, glide, dive & rise without breaking the water's surface.
    More on Subwing
    • About

      To "explore the sea in a way never done before," hitch this carbon fiber (optionally fiberglass) board to a boat tow (you do have a boat, right? 'Cause nobody's ever done anything that hasn't been done before without a boat...) and use the dual swiveling panels to effortlessly twist, turn, glide, dive & rise without breaking the water's surface.
    • Venue Info

  • 12
    Traveling to Paris shouldn't mean leaving behind the comforts of NY, but it also shouldn't require visiting Paris, NY, not when Utica is soooo close! Thankfully, NY's W Hotels just christened a boutique spot (W Paris - Opera) in the real City of Lights, converting a Haussmann-era relic into 91 chandeliered rooms sporting space-age touches from light-speckled ceilings resembling futuristic switchboards, to internet connectivity that floats through the air like black magic

    When not utterly freaking out European guests with vein-exploding CrossFit exercises in the Sweat Fitness Center, you can undo your hard work at one of the city's most anticipated new restaurants, Arola, where the dual-Michelin-starred, eponymous, Catalonian chef will be serving "pica pica" (i.e., finger food) like suckling pig terrine, Iberian pork "presa" w/ hot Basque peppers & Idiazabal cheese, and bacalao w/ black olives & farm caviar (so... eggs?)

    And when not utterly freaking out European guests with vein-exploding pica consumption, hit the lobby bar for more of Chef Arola's snacks (smoked tuna pizza, potato chips w/ truffle emulsion & quail eggs...) and mix-stronomical delights, from the Blood and Sand Reformula w/ "cherry blood" & "almond sand", to the Mediterranean Mermaid Manhattan: anchovy-washed bourbon, bitters, and sweet vermouth strained into a glass "atomized" with dry vermouth, so yeah, they expect you to have a strong reaction

    Should you ever stumble outside, right nearby's Frenchie (an unfussy, mod-industrial bistro that was one of 2011's most popular debuts thanks to seasonal bites like pork belly & golden chanterelle gnudi) and the Experimental Cocktail Club, where you can preview the upcoming NYC iteration's speakeasy-esque 'tails including the vodka/lemongrass/basil/elderflower Experience 1, approximately one more than they have in Paris, NY.
    More on How to hit Paris
    • About

      Traveling to Paris shouldn't mean leaving behind the comforts of NY, but it also shouldn't require visiting Paris, NY, not when Utica is soooo close! Thankfully, NY's W Hotels just christened a boutique spot (W Paris - Opera) in the real City of Lights, converting a Haussmann-era relic into 91 chandeliered rooms sporting space-age touches from light-speckled ceilings resembling futuristic switchboards, to internet connectivity that floats through the air like black magic

      When not utterly freaking out European guests with vein-exploding CrossFit exercises in the Sweat Fitness Center, you can undo your hard work at one of the city's most anticipated new restaurants, Arola, where the dual-Michelin-starred, eponymous, Catalonian chef will be serving "pica pica" (i.e., finger food) like suckling pig terrine, Iberian pork "presa" w/ hot Basque peppers & Idiazabal cheese, and bacalao w/ black olives & farm caviar (so... eggs?)

      And when not utterly freaking out European guests with vein-exploding pica consumption, hit the lobby bar for more of Chef Arola's snacks (smoked tuna pizza, potato chips w/ truffle emulsion & quail eggs...) and mix-stronomical delights, from the Blood and Sand Reformula w/ "cherry blood" & "almond sand", to the Mediterranean Mermaid Manhattan: anchovy-washed bourbon, bitters, and sweet vermouth strained into a glass "atomized" with dry vermouth, so yeah, they expect you to have a strong reaction

      Should you ever stumble outside, right nearby's Frenchie (an unfussy, mod-industrial bistro that was one of 2011's most popular debuts thanks to seasonal bites like pork belly & golden chanterelle gnudi) and the Experimental Cocktail Club, where you can preview the upcoming NYC iteration's speakeasy-esque 'tails including the vodka/lemongrass/basil/elderflower Experience 1, approximately one more than they have in Paris, NY.
    • Venue Info

  • 13
    Outside of those times when your vacation helps fund a brutal dictatorship, not spending enough time in the museums is the most guilt-inducing part of travel. Ensure your conscience stays clear, at Au Vieux Panier.

    Ensconced in the heart of Marseilles (5mins from the town centre, 5mins from the sea), this 17th-century boutique has turned its half-dozen rooms into veritable exhibits by giving an equal number of vaunted French daubers free reign to decorate as they please, thereby enabling guests to "sleep in an artwork", though technically that's an idea Tracey Emin had years ago. Take your pick of temporary abodes including the Panic Room, which graffiti artist Tilt has divided cleanly down the middle, with one half stark white and the other completely covered with spraypaint tags & throw-ups; Purgatory Palace (from design studio Mass Confusion), whose electrifyingly surreal walls flaunt colourful geometric patterns interspersed w/ biblical imagery; and Parisian street artist Philippe Baudelocque's Fusion, populated by stunningly intricate chalk animals -- so even though there's free cable, you'll have to be careful not to rub one out.

    Turn yourself into a bronze on the sun-catching roof terrace, or attempt to make new friends in the communal library/living room space. The website also boasts a comprehensive guide to the coolest stuff going on nearby, including DJ-fueled cocktail spot The Lady Black, '50s-style duds merchants Kulte, and street-art gallery Backside -- stroll over, lest you spend your whole vacation on your own, giving you something else to feel guilty about.
    More on Yes, you can stay in this hotel room
    • About

      Outside of those times when your vacation helps fund a brutal dictatorship, not spending enough time in the museums is the most guilt-inducing part of travel. Ensure your conscience stays clear, at Au Vieux Panier.

      Ensconced in the heart of Marseilles (5mins from the town centre, 5mins from the sea), this 17th-century boutique has turned its half-dozen rooms into veritable exhibits by giving an equal number of vaunted French daubers free reign to decorate as they please, thereby enabling guests to "sleep in an artwork", though technically that's an idea Tracey Emin had years ago. Take your pick of temporary abodes including the Panic Room, which graffiti artist Tilt has divided cleanly down the middle, with one half stark white and the other completely covered with spraypaint tags & throw-ups; Purgatory Palace (from design studio Mass Confusion), whose electrifyingly surreal walls flaunt colourful geometric patterns interspersed w/ biblical imagery; and Parisian street artist Philippe Baudelocque's Fusion, populated by stunningly intricate chalk animals -- so even though there's free cable, you'll have to be careful not to rub one out.

      Turn yourself into a bronze on the sun-catching roof terrace, or attempt to make new friends in the communal library/living room space. The website also boasts a comprehensive guide to the coolest stuff going on nearby, including DJ-fueled cocktail spot The Lady Black, '50s-style duds merchants Kulte, and street-art gallery Backside -- stroll over, lest you spend your whole vacation on your own, giving you something else to feel guilty about.
    • Venue Info

  • 14
    As a major cultural center in Paris, La Gaîté Lyrique's stated mission is to explore the world's cutting-edge art and music, leading to festivals honoring Berlin, Istanbul, and next month, Portland. Obviously. So basically, this means now's your chance to stop being a tall-bike-riding PDXer lost amongst the other tall-bike-riding PDXers, and start being a tall-bike-riding PDXer, getting totally laid, on your tall bike, in Paris! Specifically, at Keep Portland Weird. Seriously, you’re taking a trip to mini-Portland, in Paris. Get ready for:

    How Did Portland Get So Creative? A Discussion: Calling out Stumptown innovations like "veggie burgers", "sports shoes", and “music”, this is the perfect event at which to promote your own amazing veggie burger sports shoe music, under the guise of a question to a panel including an alt-weekly editor, a MusicfestNW programmer, and the curator for Portland Institute for Contemporary Arts.

    Jon Raymond and Old Joy: After the PDX scribe reads his new short story, they’ll screen Old Joy, giving you ample opportunity to impress Frenchies by shouting "I totally bike past that every day!" in literally every scene. Especially the part with the liquor store.

    Concerts: The 10-day affair is packed with shows covering every corner of Portland music, like Tara Jane O'Neil’s underground folk, the hip-hop beats of Lifesavas, and out-there sounds from AU -- which’s what you'll shout to get the attention of the hot French model who you hope is also down for a ride.
    More on Portland, now in Paris. Get there.
    • About

      As a major cultural center in Paris, La Gaîté Lyrique's stated mission is to explore the world's cutting-edge art and music, leading to festivals honoring Berlin, Istanbul, and next month, Portland. Obviously. So basically, this means now's your chance to stop being a tall-bike-riding PDXer lost amongst the other tall-bike-riding PDXers, and start being a tall-bike-riding PDXer, getting totally laid, on your tall bike, in Paris! Specifically, at Keep Portland Weird. Seriously, you’re taking a trip to mini-Portland, in Paris. Get ready for:

      How Did Portland Get So Creative? A Discussion: Calling out Stumptown innovations like "veggie burgers", "sports shoes", and “music”, this is the perfect event at which to promote your own amazing veggie burger sports shoe music, under the guise of a question to a panel including an alt-weekly editor, a MusicfestNW programmer, and the curator for Portland Institute for Contemporary Arts.

      Jon Raymond and Old Joy: After the PDX scribe reads his new short story, they’ll screen Old Joy, giving you ample opportunity to impress Frenchies by shouting "I totally bike past that every day!" in literally every scene. Especially the part with the liquor store.

      Concerts: The 10-day affair is packed with shows covering every corner of Portland music, like Tara Jane O'Neil’s underground folk, the hip-hop beats of Lifesavas, and out-there sounds from AU -- which’s what you'll shout to get the attention of the hot French model who you hope is also down for a ride.
    • Venue Info

  • 15
    Working your way up the corporate ladder can be tough, which is exactly why you should climb those much shorter metal ladders, then bulldoze the crap out of everything in sight at manual-labor wonderland People at Play: The Heavy Equipment Experience. Just a breezy 3.5hr Spring road trip away in Bradenton, the SE's first construction playground lets you climb into, and, like a gangster, do what you will with all the heavy machinery your Xanax has been annoyingly urging you to not operate for years. Read the three "Job Descriptions" below, and apply as soon as possible -- positions are filling up fast

    Operator (job time: 2hrs): Applicant must be a self-starter. Mainly because he will be handed keys and asked to start a giant-ass CAT 312 Steel Track Excavator. Strong attention to detail essential, especially for “Excavator Bowling” project, which involves lining up the Excavator bucket behind an actual bowling ball and sending it flying towards bowling pins. Safety and equipment knowledge awesomely not necessary

    Foreman (job time: 4hrs): Micromanaging skills essential, as applicant will also be responsible for overseeing/operating a much smaller Skid Steer Loader. Key tasks include filling a 5ft concrete pipe with dirt, stacking truck tires onto a pole, and pushing another pipe through a cone maze. Must be able to withstand high-pressure environment and meet deadlines, as activities are timed, and much crap will be talked amongst other successful applicants

    Superintendent (job time: 6hrs): Applicant will be responsible for managing an experienced team: Excavator, Skid Steer Loader, and Bulldozer. Problem-solving acumen paramount, namely for tasks like Dozer Island, in which applicants must bulldoze their way out of a ring of dirt. Microsoft Excel a plus.
    More on Fire up an excavator, and just go nuts
    • About

      Working your way up the corporate ladder can be tough, which is exactly why you should climb those much shorter metal ladders, then bulldoze the crap out of everything in sight at manual-labor wonderland People at Play: The Heavy Equipment Experience. Just a breezy 3.5hr Spring road trip away in Bradenton, the SE's first construction playground lets you climb into, and, like a gangster, do what you will with all the heavy machinery your Xanax has been annoyingly urging you to not operate for years. Read the three "Job Descriptions" below, and apply as soon as possible -- positions are filling up fast

      Operator (job time: 2hrs): Applicant must be a self-starter. Mainly because he will be handed keys and asked to start a giant-ass CAT 312 Steel Track Excavator. Strong attention to detail essential, especially for “Excavator Bowling” project, which involves lining up the Excavator bucket behind an actual bowling ball and sending it flying towards bowling pins. Safety and equipment knowledge awesomely not necessary

      Foreman (job time: 4hrs): Micromanaging skills essential, as applicant will also be responsible for overseeing/operating a much smaller Skid Steer Loader. Key tasks include filling a 5ft concrete pipe with dirt, stacking truck tires onto a pole, and pushing another pipe through a cone maze. Must be able to withstand high-pressure environment and meet deadlines, as activities are timed, and much crap will be talked amongst other successful applicants

      Superintendent (job time: 6hrs): Applicant will be responsible for managing an experienced team: Excavator, Skid Steer Loader, and Bulldozer. Problem-solving acumen paramount, namely for tasks like Dozer Island, in which applicants must bulldoze their way out of a ring of dirt. Microsoft Excel a plus.
    • Venue Info

  • 16
    Located just a 30min drive from the direct-flight-from-SFO-able Suvarnabhumi Airport, Bangkok Tree House is a just-opened Thai resort entirely comprised of a matrix of giant tree houses (!) that're buried deep in a tropical jungle so remote the last leg of the trip has to be traveled by foot, ferry, bike, or Temple of Doom rail cart. Kidding!! They totally don't have bikes!

    Once there, you'll choose between the completely wall-/ceiling-less “View With a Room” or a “Tree Top Nest”, where your high-up accommodations will boast a downstairs living room, bathroom & outdoor shower, plus an upstairs bedroom with a computer station, and a third-floor green roof with views of the river, assuming ABC hasn't already cancelled it. Amenities in your Berenstain Bears-approved abode'll include a complimentary cell phone (complete with a local Thai number), free rental bikes, comped breakfast, and -- best of all... for 2010 Kirstie Alley -- 24/7 free ice cream. If all-day, every-day dessert's not your thing, you'll dive into legit international and Thai cuisine served riverside at their resto Reflect, or take advantage of BTH-packed gourmet picnic baskets, which you'll be able to bring to the nearby botanical park, the handcrafted swag-rich Bang Nam Peung floating market, or a bunch of legendary 200yr-old temples -- just watch out for the Temple Guard in The Cave of Sighs.

    In the future, BTH plans on opening up a couple more suite options, including the Family Room and the Honeymoon Nest, which, oddly enough, sleeps three, so you'll probably want to bring an extra Shorty.
    More on The Swiss Family Robinson would be so jealous
    • About

      Located just a 30min drive from the direct-flight-from-SFO-able Suvarnabhumi Airport, Bangkok Tree House is a just-opened Thai resort entirely comprised of a matrix of giant tree houses (!) that're buried deep in a tropical jungle so remote the last leg of the trip has to be traveled by foot, ferry, bike, or Temple of Doom rail cart. Kidding!! They totally don't have bikes!

      Once there, you'll choose between the completely wall-/ceiling-less “View With a Room” or a “Tree Top Nest”, where your high-up accommodations will boast a downstairs living room, bathroom & outdoor shower, plus an upstairs bedroom with a computer station, and a third-floor green roof with views of the river, assuming ABC hasn't already cancelled it. Amenities in your Berenstain Bears-approved abode'll include a complimentary cell phone (complete with a local Thai number), free rental bikes, comped breakfast, and -- best of all... for 2010 Kirstie Alley -- 24/7 free ice cream. If all-day, every-day dessert's not your thing, you'll dive into legit international and Thai cuisine served riverside at their resto Reflect, or take advantage of BTH-packed gourmet picnic baskets, which you'll be able to bring to the nearby botanical park, the handcrafted swag-rich Bang Nam Peung floating market, or a bunch of legendary 200yr-old temples -- just watch out for the Temple Guard in The Cave of Sighs.

      In the future, BTH plans on opening up a couple more suite options, including the Family Room and the Honeymoon Nest, which, oddly enough, sleeps three, so you'll probably want to bring an extra Shorty.
    • Venue Info

  • 17
    Between the layovers, the loneliness, and the navigating unfamiliar airports, traveling has its issues -- but hey, that never stops LeBron from doing it! Here to solve the first three problems and more is Zamp, an ATL-created free app that compiles all your pertinent info, plus lets you find a drink/Cinnabon and hook up with other travelers, maybe literally, if they’ve had enough Cinnabons. Drinks. If they’ve had enough drinks.

    What you can do:

    "Check in": While it doesn't do actual ticketing/x-raying your junk as you hold your hands over your head, it does use your location to identify your airport, display local weather, gate info, total miles, travel time, and even your plane's tail number, which is presumably zero if you're flying Virgin.

    Meet Fly People: The Who's Here function shows you other Zamp users (including females!) in the same airport, who you can meet up with for a quick drink, that Cinnabon, or to split a cab home, because the entire point of meeting women is to get them to pay for half of your ground transportation.

    Look Really Travel-y: Zamp logs your flights and creates a profile that pinpoints places you've visited/conquered, along with total air miles, and individual flight deets like the exact amount of time spent in the clouds, something everyone knows is way better than a lot of hard drives.

    Be a Hartsfield-Jackson/Any Other Airport Guru: Make yourself credible/approachable by sharing valuable info with others, such as places to hit in any city, recs on airport restos/bars, and whether or not parking decks are full and security lines are crowded, meaning you may have to take your talents to... the security line at the T-Gates.
    More on Rule the air, and airport, with an app
    • About

      Between the layovers, the loneliness, and the navigating unfamiliar airports, traveling has its issues -- but hey, that never stops LeBron from doing it! Here to solve the first three problems and more is Zamp, an ATL-created free app that compiles all your pertinent info, plus lets you find a drink/Cinnabon and hook up with other travelers, maybe literally, if they’ve had enough Cinnabons. Drinks. If they’ve had enough drinks.

      What you can do:

      "Check in": While it doesn't do actual ticketing/x-raying your junk as you hold your hands over your head, it does use your location to identify your airport, display local weather, gate info, total miles, travel time, and even your plane's tail number, which is presumably zero if you're flying Virgin.

      Meet Fly People: The Who's Here function shows you other Zamp users (including females!) in the same airport, who you can meet up with for a quick drink, that Cinnabon, or to split a cab home, because the entire point of meeting women is to get them to pay for half of your ground transportation.

      Look Really Travel-y: Zamp logs your flights and creates a profile that pinpoints places you've visited/conquered, along with total air miles, and individual flight deets like the exact amount of time spent in the clouds, something everyone knows is way better than a lot of hard drives.

      Be a Hartsfield-Jackson/Any Other Airport Guru: Make yourself credible/approachable by sharing valuable info with others, such as places to hit in any city, recs on airport restos/bars, and whether or not parking decks are full and security lines are crowded, meaning you may have to take your talents to... the security line at the T-Gates.
    • Venue Info

  1. Chicago wants you inside it
  2. The world's hotels at your fingertips, if you're rich
  3. Embrace our southern neighbor's sun, surf, and sippables
  4. A luxury escape to San Antone
  5. This girl wants to take you skiing in Alaska
  6. Head to Oz. Not the prison.
  7. Wine vaults, adults-only pools & cabanas with mini-bars
  8. Shall we adjourn to the cigar garden?
  9. Crash in a San Fran national park
  10. Hunt for water buffalo in Paso Robles. Oh, and also mountain goats.
  11. Subwing
  12. How to hit Paris
  13. Yes, you can stay in this hotel room
  14. Portland, now in Paris. Get there.
  15. Fire up an excavator, and just go nuts
  16. The Swiss Family Robinson would be so jealous
  17. Rule the air, and airport, with an app