This is the time of year when people like to reflect on the things that make them thankful. It’s a time for sweaty hugs and pre-prepared, heavily censored speeches about what we’ve been up to for the past 10 months for our aunts and uncles. There’s a lot of love in the air these days. It’s creepy and weird. So let’s focus on something we’re not thankful for, something worthy of hating: USC. Here're nine reasons Trojan fans are the worst human beings on the planet:
1. They're the worst human beings on the planet. And not because they're rich douchebags (we dream of being rich douchebags ourselves, someday).
2. That semi-aggressive version of a peace sign they constantly flash anytime something good or medium happens. They form their pointer and middle finger into a 'V' for 'victory'. Clever, right? It’s the worst tradition in the history of traditions.
3. Sweet inside sunglasses, bro.
4. They only show up when things are going well. Last year, despite opening the season ranked No. 1 in the country, USC finished 7-5. That wasn’t enough to get its head coach fired. The difference this year? People stopped showing up to the games. USC ran out of fans. Declining attendance after a slow start to the season contributed to the decision to make a coaching change. So all those people you see walking around in their USC t-shirts with car flags now that USC won five straight games and beat down Stanford? Most of them weren’t doing their peace signs a mere month ago.
5. They have car flags.
6. They liked this guy.
7. They cheat like motherf***ers. USC has produced a lot of talented players (plus Mark Sanchez), and has seen a bunch of Heisman trophies collected by its players, but they aren’t great at rule-following (both the rules of the NCAA and the rules of society in general). O.J. Simpson lost his trophy because it had to be sold due to that whole owing-a-bunch-of-money-for-murdering-people thing. Reggie Bush forfeited his after he was accused of taking money from an agent. Former Trojan running back Marc Tyler said it best when he was asked by a TMZ reporter whether players make more money playing in the NFL or at USC: “USC,” he chose enthusiastically, “they breakin’ bread.”
8. They gave a guy with a visor collection $20 million.
9. And finally, they made this video. On purpose.