Luckily, there are still ways for you to celebrate Irish heritage (and St. Patrick, the color green... or whatever reason we actually celebrate St. Patrick's day?) on the 17th of March -- and in some cases, all month long. There's cheap stuff, green stuff, boozy stuff, shamrock stuff, beer stuff, and best of all free stuff, all at the end of the chain restaurant rainbow.
Oh, and if you actually do decide to embrace your inner 22-year-old and drink your weight in green beer, anyway: good news! St. Patrick's Day is on a Saturday this year (just line your guts with green donuts, first).