"Now, our clientele was primarily on the affluent side of society and our place was notorious for rich ladies' lunches, Champagne and oysters, and all-day piss-ups for the local, wealthy stay-at-home mums while the nannies looked after the kids. They liked to talk very loudly, cover themselves in expensive jewelry, and brag about their overseas holidays.
"As I was waiting to take a drink order at the bar for two such ladies, they were blabbing on about how much they love holidaying on the South Italian coast, how many times they've been there, how beautiful their private villas were, and how they go there all the time for wine tours and whatever. I ask what they would like to drink -- one of them responds, "I'll have an Italian bubbly, you know, a glass of prosciutto."
"I had to duck down to retrieve the PROSECCO while laughing at the mental image of a piece of cured ham in a Champagne glass." -- Kelly Weiss [Editor’s Note: Could've been worse -- she could've ordered the Piglio Griglio.]
No white meat
"I work in a grocery store. We have a deli section where customers can buy pre-made sandwiches, soups, salads, fries, and chicken wings. One day, as I was waiting in line to get my lunch, I witnessed a culinary expert doing the same thing:
"'I want a dozen chicken wings, but no white meat.'
"[Confused counter worker] 'These are whole chicken wings, sir. They're not mechanically separated…'
"'No, no! Listen to me! I know how chicken wings work, and I don't want any white meat!'
"'… Sure thing, sir. No white meat.'" -- Greg Killian
Intoxicated customers are the dumbest customers
"I used to be a bartender.
"One day, while tending bar, I had cut off a regular customer, Jeff, that I knew lived a few blocks away. I had made sure he wasn't planning to drive home, and offered to send someone along to make sure he could walk home. He assured me that he was fine for the walk home, and left.
"A few minutes later, I looked through the window to see Jeff sitting in the backseat of his car, reaching over the front seat, trying to grab the steering wheel. I went out with a waitress to speak to him.
"'I thought you were going to walk home.'
"'I did, and now I came back for my car.'
"What, no, that's… what?
"'You having trouble reaching the steering wheel?' the server asked.
"'The seat is too far back and I can't find the thingy to adjust it.'
"'And where did you put your keys in?'
"He reached to the seat next to him and held them up. 'I can't put them in until I reach the steering wheel! The hole is behind the steering wheel! It's behind it!'
"At which point she snatched the keys from him and said, 'You are in the backseat. You're not allowed to drive from the backseat.'
"'Oh, OK.' Then he pulled the door shut and laid down on the backseat.
"Neither of us had any idea of what to do. The server wanted to just drive him home and leave him in the backseat in his driveway, but I didn't think that was a great idea. Since we were hours from closing, we just brought his keys inside and figured he'd come in and we'd deal with it then. By the time we closed, he was still passed out in the back of his car, so we left the keys (which included his house keys) in the glove compartment and stuck a note on the front door of the restaurant saying 'Jeff, your keys are in the glove compartment. WALK HOME.'
"Find out the next day that the owner was called in the morning before opening because Jeff was sitting on the steps to the restaurant waiting for it to open, and the police stopped by to see what was going on. He told them he left his keys in the bar and was locked out of his house. So the owner came over immediately and as soon as he went to open the door, saw the note that neither Jeff nor the police saw, and pointed it out to him.
"Unfortunately, when Jeff woke up in his car and couldn't find his keys (and to hear him tell it later, he looked EVERYWHERE except the glove box), he had locked his car." -- Jon August