Unless you eat, like, a LOT of kale, then eventually you are unfortunately going to die. It sucks, we know. But the good part is that before all of that happens, you get to hang out in Paris, probably the most beautiful and cultured city in the world -- and to make sure you squeeze every last ounce of life out of this glorious place, here are the things you need to do before you leave:
You need to have at least one, ahem "treasure" to take home.
It’s the bar that birthed the perfect hangover cure, so pay a visit.
Beer, live music, and a view of the world’s most beautiful city are hard to find elsewhere.
Those crowds won’t quit, but you have to pay your respects.
Even death looks stunning in Paris.
It may be touristy, but you need to know what the fuss is about.
Embrace your inner nautical tourist.
It’s not French, but it’s so good that no one cares.
Put Patrick Roger’s kids through college with a few pieces of chocolate-covered ganache.
Guidebooks say they are apparently the only two cafés in Paris, so you’d better try them.
Preferably ride with a striped shirt and scarf waving in the breeze. Baguette in basket optional.
Millions of Parisians’ bones creepily on display for your morbid enjoyment.
By the Seine or in a park, just get some cheese and go.
It’s the height of cliché and fine dining.
Bonus points for doing it at Christmas, when the lights make the crowds bearable.
You know you’re curious to find out what its deal is. Don’t leave without solving the mystery.
You have your pick of the bunch, so visit Notre Dame or Sainte-Chapelle, among the many others, to hear what those pipes can do.
Huge crowds, sure, but there is no cooler way to see the show than directly in front of the Eiffel Tower.
Unique views of the Champs-Élysées from up above await you. And there’s a lift!
Save a few euros. Test your agoraphobia.
Play dress-up and enjoy a show in arguably the world’s most beautiful theater.
He’s at least once French painter worth checking out, though of course there are probably others...
Cheese and ham wrapped in a crepe is street-food perfection.
After all that cheese, you’ll need one last workout.
They don’t know what the sales are here, but it’s fun to pretend.
Yes, the French do more than just eat cheese and baguettes.
You need to have that quintessential Paris moment when you’re riding down a ridiculously gorgeous street, wind in your hair, life in your hands.
Ladurée vs. Pierre Hermé -- whichever loses, you win.
It’s really, actually very historical. No, really.
You may have been putting it off, but don’t insult Louis XIV by overlooking his legacy.
This way your keys will remind you every day that you aren’t in Paris anymore.
Paris was basically built by topless dancers.
Well, it’s better than eating them.
The '20s are still alive somewhere in Paris, right Owen Wilson?
Just be ready to take an Uber home.
This should be crossed off already. Come on, get with it.
It’s Art Nouveau and it’s Maxim’s. It’s just what you do.
... and understand every English word gleefully.
Get the bird’s eye view of Paris that actually includes the Eiffel Tower.
Where else is it actually cool to play the French version of bocce ball?
It's where cinema was invented, don't ya know?
Treat. Your. Self.
Because it will be your last.
Pop a bottle of bubbly (the good stuff) and bid Paris adieu.
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